Something Yucky on the Stairs

"Mommy, there's something yucky on the stairs!"

When I heard Colin shrieking at me, it barely registered. I was trying to fold laundry. Besides, I hear variations of that statement all the time, and the "something yucky" is usually a pile of cat barf or a random turd or something that I do. Not. Want. To deal with.

But he persisted. "There's something yucky on the stairs!" Then he added something that made me perk up my ears: "And it's going to bite Cameron!"

Bite?? Barf doesn't bite.

Poop doesn't bite.

Only living things bite.

What kind of nasty, living, biting thing could be on my stairs?

Veeeeeery reluctantly, I put down my laundry (you know it's something gross when I'd rather be folding laundry, y'all) and crept toward the stairs, where Colin was trying valiantly to hold a curious Cameron at bay.

And then I heard it: screeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Only one thing that I know of makes that deafening, horrible, weird ticky/screechy sound ... this:
OMFG, everybody. A cicada. IN MY HOUSE. ON MY STAIRS. If you've never seen one in person before, you don't realize how huge these nasty things are ... they're like three inches freaking long. And for a bug, that's pretty damn big.

I like ladybugs. I like butterflies. I can tolerate roly-polies. But big disgusting screeching cicadas? I don't effin' think so. I'm sorry, but I go all girly when something like this comes up. It was all I could do to suppress a bloodcurdling scream and run away, hopping from one foot to the other. Instead, I quickly ushered the boys back upstairs, wishing that Curtis weren't at work.

(Then I put them to bed half an hour early, so I wouldn't have to deal with them constantly wanting to go peek at our "intruder." Thank goodness they can't tell time yet.)

As soon as they were asleep I crept back down the stairs, gingerly, as if someone were going to jump out at me. And there he was, still sitting there. I couldn't tell if he was dead or what, so I got our dog's leash and lowered it slowly toward him until it barely touched his back.

Screeeeeeeeeeeee! he said. At which point I think I might've pissed myself a little.

So, no longer having to put on a brave front for my kids' sake, I ran the hell up the stairs with surprising agility for a fat ass pregnant woman.

I haven't been back down.

He's still down there.

My cat is playing with him.

I hope she eats him.

I'm so not touching that thing.


  1. Too friggin' funny! They are totally creepy and I always think they are dead on the sidewalk and then as I get near them they buzz around towards me and I do scream like a little girl.

  2. I am sooooo with you! I'd be hiding too! I'm rooting for the cat!

  3. I support you 100%

    Bug of any sort are no good. I had to murder 2 spiders this week and I am still all hopped up on endorphins.

  4. This literally made me laugh out loud. Good stuff, but I agree ewwwwww!

  5. Haha.

    Those things freak me out. We don't have them around here but I've been to places where they exist. And I don't like them. Not one bit.

  6. I. DO. NOT. DO. BUGS. I do take big mugs or glasses and figure out a way set one over the bug to keep it in place. Why? Because a bug on the stair is bad but NOT knowing where the bug has wandered off to is far FAR worse. It could end up in bed with you! I keep it inside the glass until hubby gets home so he can deal. The End.

  7. Scary! When I was growing up it was just my Mom & I, and we once stayed out of our bathroom for over a week because there was a huge spider in there! yuck!

  8. This is totally why God made dogs and small moms don't have to touch stuff like that!

  9. I don't even like the dead shell of a cicada! They are devil bugs!

  10. eewwwwww! i've never seen one of those before, the worst thing we get in the UK are daddylongleggs lol! I'm with you i would have left it there too or thrown a phone book at it! xx

  11. I totally would have done the same thing. LOL!

  12. Mr Bug would have been under a jar. Just as Nan said. I hate bugs. I hate spiders. But, at least if they are trapped, I know they are there and I don't worry about where they are now.

  13. I've only seen the shells. It looks like a big fly. You can always try the trick - putting a glass over it, sliding a magzazine underenath, taking him outside! Hope ur okay and don't have many more yukies this week!

  14. Ewwwwwwwwww! How nasty!!!!! I would've totally freaked! I always thought crickets sound peaceful and pretty but once I found one in my living room and that took the peaceful right outta it!!!

  15. I remember the first time one of those landed on me at a gas station. Scared the hell out of me.

  16. I hope I never see this bug in person. It would put me in the psych ward.

  17. Oh I do so love your posts. 'At which point I think I might've pissed myself a little'. Ha ha ha. Hilarious. So what happened? Has he gone yet? Did Curtis come home? Did the cat eat him? Do tell...

  18. I remember in 6th grade when the 17 year cicada invasion happened, and I had to make my way over to a friend's house almost every day and I would literally do it running and screaming and waving my arms all around me the whole way. I;m sure passing motorist were most amused but i was terrified. I guess last year was the big return (god, it's been 17 years? O L D), and I made damn sure I wasn't visiting! I try so hard not to freak out about bugs in front of teh kids because I don't want to pass on any crazy phobias, but I would have had a problem with that giant thing!

  19. I can't stop laughing!
    Cicadas always remind me of Baruffi. Do you remember the year when we were in high school when all the Cicadas came? I think they only come like every 13 or 15 years or something and Baruffi was telling us about a "year of the Cicadas" when she was younger. Ick!

  20. I don't like bugs, snakes, etc. if they surprise me, but I'll tackle any of them if I know they're around and need to be removed. I still go all girly and hysterical if there's a rodent, though!


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