I Wish I Liked Coffee

Sometimes I wish I drank coffee. Because it seems to be, like, this magic cure-all for people who have trouble in the mornings. Like, "Man, this morning sucked until I got my grande mocha roast."

(...Or whatever the coffee-drinking terminology is. I don't know.)

Anyway, if coffee is such a cure-all, I wish I had some this morning. Because seriously? Today has started out crazy, and I'm hoping it isn't a predictor of the rest of the day. I'm trying to be all, "Today is what I make it!" and look on the bright side and everything, but man. It seems to be one of those days when stuff is just stacking up against me faster than I can take care of it.

Case in point: Cameron. The good news is that, at 19 months old, he has finally started sleeping in his own bed. The bad news is that "his own bed" is actually a bunk that he shares with his brother, Crack-of-Dawn Colin, who inevitably feels the need to wake Cameron up. So they've been awake and raring to go at, like, 5:45 every morning. And this morning was no exception.

I heard them get up, but for once - oh, blessed day - they didn't rush right into my room demanding something. So I figured I could just lay there and listen to make sure they didn't get into any trouble. But then I heard it: the piano. Which is downstairs. Which is dangerously close to the dog food, and the cat litter, and all the various nasty stuff that Cameron enjoys flinging all over the place. So I had to heave myself up and trudge down the stairs to retrieve them - because while Colin will come upstairs with a yelled threat, Cameron will not.

Surprise of surprises, Cameron was already in the dog bowl, the floor around him strewn with kibble. I got him out of it and directed him to the piano, where his brother was plunking out a deafening beautiful tune. I figured while I was down there anyway, I ought to tend to some stuff - feeding and watering the animals and scooping out the disgusting litter (it's amazing how much two cats can crap). I plunged the scoop into the catbox to sift out the poo and stood up to take my first load to the trash can - but when I did, one of the turds fell off the end of the scoop and rolled across the floor, where it wedged itself under the corner of the washer. Stooping to retrieve a litter-caked cat turd when you're hugely, grotesquely pregnant = fun times!

Once I had that taken care of, I started re-filling the dog bowl and cleaning up the surrounding area. When, even over the wretched noise of the piano, I heard the stomach-turning hork hork hork sound that can only be made by a barfing cat.

Sure enough, Thurman was barfing. On the laundry. It was dirty laundry, mind you, but still ... I don't want cat yarf on my stuff, y'dig? (And yes. I'm a lazy-ass and instead of a hamper, I throw my dirty clothes on the stairs leading to the laundry room. If you want a visual, look here.)

So I momentarily abandoned my task of feeding the dog in order to tend to the cat and the grossness at hand. That's when I saw it: a spider the size of effing Manhattan on my stairs. (Yes. The same stairs that, just recently, housed a horrible and disgusting cicada. I'm thinking we need to get an exterminator all up in this piece, yo.)

Wayward cat turds, scattered dog food, vomit, and a massive spider. All with a soundtrack of plunk plunk plunk on the piano. All within five minutes of getting out of my nice cozy bed. And all before the sun rose over the horizon.

And now - sniff, sniff - there seems to be a poopy diaper waiting for me. Joy and rapture!

Can you see now why I wish I drank coffee?

(Amused post-script - allow me to share with you a direct quote from my last post: "...the 'something yucky' is usually a pile of cat barf or a random turd or something that I do. Not. Want. To deal with."

Is it sad that such things are a part of my daily life?)


  1. You know, I start my day hoping for new Rita posts and am super disappointed when there aren't any yet. This just proves to be another reason I LOVE reading your stuff. You make me laugh over the most mundane things that can attack a good day! I laughed and pretty much almost snorted coffee out my nose. Here's the good news - they have proven coffee affects your short-term memory and is really NOT that good for you so be grateful you aren't addicted (oh yes, it is also addicting like a street drug). I allow myself 1 cup and wish I didn't want it.

    NOW go forth and have a good day!! Think of all the people who'd give their jobs up in a second to have the day you are having rather than the ones they are having. Give me a minute here - I'll think of 'em! It's that spider and cicada. Putting that on the job description chases away many applicants!!

  2. You know, I don't like coffee either but I will admit that I do like my Java freeze with mocha, mint, and chocolate chips at Starbucks.

    Is it actually coffee after I've added all the ingredients? Anyway, I have never had it in the morning but it did make my afternoon better once but only because I feel ike it is close to having ice cream and ice cream kind of does that to me. Maybe I should I eat ice cream in the morning...

  3. Sounds like you need something stronger than coffee to make this day better!

    Guess I should maybe be thankful I'm hugely pregnant but still working, huh? I get to go to my clean, barf-free office and read fun blogs like yours.

    I imagine the cat barf was still warm, too. Isn't that the BEST???

  4. I don't like coffee either, but wish I did. I thought I was the only one.

  5. You definitely need to take up coffee. Of course if your luck is like mine, you'll spill it everywhere as you try to juggle the "wayward cat turds (hilarious, btw), scattered dog food, vomit, and massive spider." The upside, you have energy to deal with all of it.
    Great post :-)

  6. I have had morning like this too. And thankfully I have my coffee to get through it. You really should get into coffee. Doctor it up with sugar and such so you not only have a caffeine high but a sugar one too. ;)

  7. OMG, you make me miss my children as babies - NOT! While life has its own (middle-aged) challenges now, there are something things I don't miss from years gone by. Thanks for the reminders!

  8. I am right there with you. I despise coffee. I don't even like the smell. Unless it is hazelnut coffee. Even if I did like coffee, I don't drink caffeine. It gives me migraines. And makes me shake. I am sure I could get over that part if I just re-incorporated it back in to my diet....but I am ok without it...most days.

  9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't tired.

  10. OhMyGosh, I am dying. This so sounds like a morming at my house, right down the the Hork, Hork, Hork sound, though it is my dog who is the culprit. Brave you for working on another rugrat to add to the mix! But it just makes it all the more fun...

  11. I'm not a coffee drinker either, but on a day like this I just might try it! Hope it got better!

  12. I wish I liked coffee too. It would help I think.

    I've heard that hork hork hork sounds many a times. My cat LOVES to puke.

  13. Hilarious (at your expense) SORRY!

  14. Another non-coffee drinker here. I LOVE the smell of coffee, but absolutely HATE the taste. Strange. Sorry that your day got off to a bad start. I hope it got better and soon!

  15. Oh Rita...only you could make these things funny! When John & I got married I drank maybe one or two cups of coffee and weak ones at that...until... the kids came along, work, pets & all that other grown up fun stuff! On most mornings now, I go thru a much stronger pot, by myself, before I start my day! And..so maybe you won't feel so alone...Some mornings my coffee/computer time is interrupted with the hork! hork! hork! of one of my three cats!
    (I have the hardest time commenting on your blog when I'm not already signed in so that's why this is anonymous!lol) Cindy (cinlynsworld)

  16. You really would love coffee - it does make the day a bit better, even if you get one sip in before you hear the barfing cat noise. I also just sit and listen until it's done. If i try to go find the cat before she is done she wonders off and then I'm left with multiple piles to clean. *sigh* oh it's awful.

  17. That's why grandchildren are so much fun.....their parents are the ones who consistently have the noise, scattered dog food and cat barf! Grandparents can mostly just enjoy the cute little things they do! However, since I'm coming to your house to help out when the baby comes, maybe I should try to prepare myself a little for the sights and sounds of the Templeton household. Get the coffee ready! LOL

  18. As a dedicated coffee drinker, please let me promise you that it's not a cure all. It's more like a "WOW that's wonderful" moment. But then you try and go one day without it because you're sick or busy or whatever and you get a massive headache.

    I do think that wonderful moment is worth it though.

    Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest - and I love your blog!


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