Be Silly, Be Skinny!

Psst ... you wanna know the secret to being skinny? Forget about the pricey health club memberships. Don't shell out hundreds of bucks for a supervised diet program. The secret is as close as your next-of-kin (or your nearest daycare): children. If you've got little kids of your own, or access to someone else's, you're good to go.

But it's not merely chasing them around, retrieving them from toilets and cabinets and such, that "does a body good." (If that were the case, I'd be a size two.) The secret lies in ... are you ready for this? ... doing exactly what they do.


Think about it: kids never. Slow. Down. Even while mine are watching TV, they're standing up, shifting from one foot to the other, or down on the floor twisting themselves into weirdly contorted positions like it's nothing.



So now, for only three payments of $99.99, you too can be "Svelte Through Silliness!" When you order this exclusive program, you'll learn to do calorie-torching, muscle-toning exercises such as these:

- The Urinary Yogi: wrap your legs around each other like a pretzel and bob up and down while you try your hardest to distract yourself from the fact that you're about to piss your pants.

- The Antagonizer: run from out of nowhere and pounce on your brother (or the unsuspecting victim of your choice), wrapping your limbs around him like an octopus for a sweet takedown.

- The Couch Commando: bolt up and down the length of the couch a few times, then take a flying leap off the arm.


And there's more! Act now and you'll receive this instructional video, which will show you how to do toning and tightening bonus exercises such as the "Beenie Weenis" and the "I Don't Wanna Get Arrested (But You Have To!)":


(Warning: in order to achieve the desired result, exercises must be performed exactly as shown, including the grabbing/adjusting of your junk.)

But we're not done yet! Act now and you'll also recieve the companion diet guide, filled with helpful advice such as "Eat two bites of dinner and play with the rest," and "How to make a bowl of cereal last all day." You'll master the "dessert negotiation" technique, and discover how satisfying eating old, unidentifiable crumbs from the crevices of furniture can be.

So what are you waiting for? A slim, taut body is only a few jumps, squirms, and contortions away.

*Disclaimer: We are not responsible for any injuries - or funny looks - you may incur.




Comments

  1. Oh. My. God. I have NOTHING to say except that you're hysterical. Although very word you've typed is true, I'd break before an hour if I followed this fitness routine. We're talkin' permanent irreversible damage. . .and pain. A LOT of pain.

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  2. I tried running from room to room one day. I figured if my kids could do it, so could I. I was very, very, v.e.r.y. wrong.

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  3. Oh dear, the beanie weenis about did me in!!! HAHA, so funny! I'll take one program please. :)

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  4. They say that's where it all starts, you become and adult and don't do all the activities you did as a kid...and then it all goes downhill from there! Funny pics you have here!

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  5. I love this.

    The video cracked me up.

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  6. (This was an awesome post. One of my favorites of yours!)

    I just wonder one thing, why didn't I think of this. I
    think that you are onto something and totally going to be rich!

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  7. LOL, now if you could just bottle some of that energy and sell it.......

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  8. This is hilarious. I guess that I know my problem now... I need to have children. Oh.... wait....

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  9. Oh my gosh I'd forgotten the energy of little ones. No wonder I gained weight when he grew up (hoho - like it's all HIS fault) - this was great!

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  10. OMG, this is my favorite type of writing that you do!

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  11. I loved the Beenie Weenies thing the first time I read about it. The video makes it even better!

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