Dick-ing Around

Colin asks me weird questions ALL. THE. TIME. And a good 60% of those questions are, well, slightly (okay, more-than-slightly) uncomfortable ... such as, "Mommy, did your vagina stretch when you had me?" and "Mommy, what's a whore?"

I try to be as honest as possible with him, but wow. Sometimes there just are no age-appropriate explanations. What should I have said, for example, when he recently asked me this little gem:

"Mommy, what's a dick?"

Instantly I was wracked with guilt. Like a kid who's been caught with a hand firmly planted in the cookie jar. I just knew that I was the culprit ... that my beloved four-year-old's tender ears would never have heard the word "dick" if I hadn't kind of, um, asked his father to stop being one the other day.

"Where did you hear that?" I asked him lightly. I was fully prepared for him to say, "From you, Mommy!" Silently I thanked the Lord that this conversation was being had with me and not with, say, his uber-religious wouldn't-say-a-swear-word Nana.

But he surprised me.

"I heard Olivia say it," he said.

I breathed a little sigh of relief, but then my WTF-meter kicked into high gear. Because Olivia, in case you don't know, is this animated pig:

And though her personality is supposed to be a little feisty, I had a reeeeeally hard time believing that she was slinging "dick" around. It had to be something else.

But still, there was the question at hand. And he wanted answers.

"That isn't a very nice word," I tried, knowing full well that such a paltry explanation wouldn't get me off the hook.

"Okay, but what does it mean?"

I looked around helplessly, as if the answer would materialize out of thin air. What could I say? I didn't want him using the word, thinking it had some alternate definition. So finally, I just said, "Well, son, it's a ... it's a not-so-nice word for, uh ... for penis."

Colin absorbed this for a minute. "Oh," he said. "I thought it had something to do with reading books."

Huh?? Even more puzzled, I watched him skip off to play, satisfied with my definition.

Fast-forward to yesterday afternoon: we're watching Olivia together after the boys' nap. In this episode, Olivia's dad is reading to her at bedtime, and she says something like, "Abick. It's a word I made up that means 'read me another book.'"

"See?" said Colin triumphantly. "Abick. It doesn't mean penis, Mommy."

I need to get my hearing checked. Like, seriously.


  1. Oh Heavens!! I always do one of two things:
    1. Ignore the question like I didn't "hear" it.
    2. Ask...what letter do you think that starts with?

    Then go with number 1. Works everytime.


  2. If I ignore him, he just pesters and asks louder. But #2 ... THAT I should have done. I'm sure it would have worked like a charm! I'm totally doing that next time.

  3. You are pre-programmed to expect those questions from him - ha - that is SO hysterical. After a messy explanation one time that had NOTHING to do with his question (just like your post) I began to ask, "What do YOU think it means?" so I could figure out where he was going with the question since adult minds instantly jump into the gutter puddle and kids' minds don't. You sure bring back a lot of kid-rearing memories - thanks!

  4. Nan, that is exactly what I should have done ... asked him a question in response ... but you know how much a question like THAT can catch you off-guard. I was flabbergasted! LOL

  5. How funny. I hate when my son asks me uncomfortable questions. Like he asked the famous, "Where do babies come from?" And I told him. So now if he sees a pregnant woman he's all, "Is she going to be pushing her baby from her vagina?"

  6. Hahahahahaha- that is HILARIOUS! And I have been known to call my hubby a dic*nose. I have no idea what that means but it always makes him laugh and makes me feel better. :)

  7. now that's funny. My 5 year asks all those sensitive questions too. Oh why can't there be an answer book we can just turn too?

  8. oh my gosh!! LOL it's sorta adorable in a way, don't you think? :)

  9. Heehee! The boy wins again! Poor lady, you really tried. . .it was a great answer!

  10. This is better than watching entertaining television!

  11. LOL, leave it to Colin to come up with something like that. I agree with LBDDiaries, answering with a question usually tells you what kind of info they're really looking for! I always do that when they show me a picture they've drawn. Instead of asking, "What is it?", I say, "Tell me about it." Keeps me from insulting their artistic ability! ;o)

  12. You had a good answer, if only it was the right question! Too funny & cute, as well. Of course, I can say that because mine is 15 and already knows what a dick is!

  13. Lol! *awkward turtle*
    Good thing I still have lots of time until MY children might ask me such a question (seeing as I don't have any and won't for awhile, haha) although I can just imagine some of my dancing students trying it...

  14. Heh, heh---this was so funny----and something that has happened to me before---but not with that particular word....heh, heh.

  15. That darn pig, always getting people into trouble.

    You might want to double check what a 'penis' is; you know, for next time. :)


  17. Funny! Kids DO say the darndest and usually honest things!

  18. I'm commenting here, too, since I can see the box. I've wanted to comment since you first posted this. I have to tell you, I laughed out loud in my office at work. I've even retold the story for at least a dozen people. I find it hysterical. Okay, I don't mean to laugh at your expense; I just think it's funny when kids swear, or in this case you think they swear. My daughter said "damn" a few weeks ago. I laughed; my wife about killed me. "Well, she didn't get it from me," she said. To which I responded, "Considering all of the other things she could have said, I think we're lucky that's what she said." Could have been worse for me. Either way, I'm of the school that says to ignore it/not make a big deal out of it and it will go away; if you have a big reaction, they'll say it again because they know they can get the reaction. Which is probably why my daughter drives my wife nuts. She (my wife) is not of the same kind as I.



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