Yeah, I Googled "Witch Boobs."

When I think of Halloween, I think of witches. I don't mean of the Wiccan variety, all "skyclad" (read: nekkid) and doing drum circles in the middle of the woods and stuff. I mean witches like in The Wizard of Oz: old. Ugly. Green-skinned. Warts, pointy hats, black dresses, cackle, the whole nine.

And it only stands to reason that if they're that hideous on the outside, they must look equally creepy beneath their clothing. Have you ever pictured witch boobs? I have. And just to see if this is a popular thing to picture, I actually Googled "witch boobs" to see if I could find an image that accurately reflects the way they look in my mind. But nothing came close. All I could find were pictures of sexy witches. And in my head, witch boobs are not sexy. They look kind of like mine: long and shriveled and stretched-out like old sad tube socks, only theirs are green and have these coarse black hairs sticking out in random places and maybe even a wart or two.

So when I saw this life-sized witch at Wal-Mart tonight, I had to bust out the camera phone and take a picture. As you can see, there's something seriously wrong with her physique: namely, it is totally un-witchlike.


What's up with that? She looks like she borrowed her rack from Barbie. Pssshhh. Come to think of it, her entire body was all wrong. Like when she gets done with her job of looking all scary with her little candy tray, she ditches the dress and puts on some pasties and a G-string and pole-dances at a place with a name like "The Wild Cherry" or "The Champagne Club" or "The Cameltoe Cabaret."

(Okay, I made that last one up. But wouldn't that be a fan-freaking-tastic name for a strip joint?)

Anyway, my point: this is clearly an example of how out-of-hand our society's standards of beauty have gotten ... when even our crazy witches have bods worthy of a spread in Playboy's October issue. I pondered this as I stood before her, this specimen of Halloween culture.


And then she got hateful with her glowing eyes and was all, "Bitch, stop staring at my boobs unless you're gonna start puttin' dollars in my cleavage."



Comments

  1. For hell sakes. DI a guy set up that display! OF COURSE HE DID!

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  2. haha! That is definitely not witch boobs. It does look like something that would come off a barbie doll.

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  3. LOL too funny!!! I love reading your blogs!

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  4. HA! Bust off bitch or bring out the dollars.
    Excellent!

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  5. I agree, who the heck made that display! That is so wrong on so many levels!

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  6. Oh, some WalMart employee probably just grabbed whatever dummy they had on hand and threw the costume and mask on it. Probably didn't even think about the bod angle.

    Which then brings me to the complaint that mannequins are all shaped like Barbies. C'mon, NO ONE looks like a mannequin looks in any outfit. I want to see a mannequin with boobs that need a superbra to get them positioned at least near where they should be, spanx to hold the jiggle in, and standing in a defeated "it's-been-one-of-those-days" hunches. Put the witch costume on that and then you have realistic...but where is such a mannequin?

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  7. Bahahahahaha! I never would have looked at that witch and managed to get a whole post out of it. I bow my friend. *bowing*

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  8. I agree, totally not witch like boobs at all.
    And you are awesome and totally make me laugh.

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  9. OMG....far too perky for witch boobs! LOL

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  10. Those boobs look like mine now!! So shapely and perky----heh, heh----really the opposite...

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  11. have you seen "Something About Mary"? I imagine witch boobs are like Magda the old lady on that movie--except green. shudder

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  12. Only you, Rita, could write about such a topic!! LOL .... I've never given witch boobs a thought...but since you pointed it out...It's obvious that whoever built that display has a totally different view of what witch boobs would look like! That or that's one INCREDIBLE push-up bra! They can do wonders, ya know!

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  13. That, my friend, is hilarious!

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  14. BTW, perhaps you should look up Brun Hilda... I believe that she had the "saggy" boobs that you desire.

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  15. I need to ask that witch what kind of bra she's wearing.

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