Kick Me

I think that while my oldest son Colin was in utero, he must've hung up a "kick me" sign in there. Because with all of my pregnancies, from the moment I felt those first fetal flutters to the moment those actual feet emerged from my ... well, you know ... it was always kick, thump, kick, thump. To the bladder, to the ribs, to the soft internal structures that are supposed to be shielded by bone. Like miniature Jackie Chans*.

*Only, you know, unborn and Caucasian.

It's understandable, though. I mean, when your entire body is folded into the space the size of a watermelon, you don't have much of a choice.

What is not understandable, though, is that the uterine kicks are still effing happening despite my having vacated the infants therein.

I have always felt weird internal blips and bumps between pregnancies, and chalked it up to my reproductive organs trying to get back to normal after taking a massive 9-month beating (by my massive 9-pound babies). But ever since about a month or two after I had Coby, I've been consistenly feeling what I can only describe as those very early movements. From, like, the stage where you're positive it's real movement and not just a fart brewing in there.

They're so pronounced and so consistent (every day, y'all) that I started freaking out a little. I thought about that show on TLC, "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" where women don't even know they're expecting until they actually give birth and I was all, "OMFG, no way," and started like calculating days and recalling incidents with condoms and stuff. Then I really scared myself by going to the show's website and reading this article called "Surprise Pregnancy: How Could You Not Know?" It explains exactly how a woman can be knocked up and none the wiser. (Although for me, something about gaining 80 pounds and feeling like there's a baby elephant doing backflips in my abdomen usually tips me off.) You can read the whole thing here, but I've listed some of the bullet points and how each applies to my situation:

Fetus is small, inactive, and/or carried toward the back of the womb.
I've never had a small fetus, but hey, there's a first time for everything.

Recent previous childbirth.
Um, yep.

Um, yep. ...Well, sort of. ... Sometimes.

Three little boys, a house to manage, a job to do (part time at least), and a new puppy. Stress? Ya think?

Fetus is mistaken for a tumor or cyst.
See answer to question #1. Replace "small fetus" with "tumor or cyst."

Didn't I just write a post regarding things that are cool about being fat?

Inaccurate use of birth control.
Condoms. 'Nuff said.

History of irregular cycles and/or infertility.
Totally. I think you could sum up the entire contents of my medical records with that one sentence.

After reading the article, I went from reasonably sure I couldn't possibly be pregnant to screaming toward Walgreens to snatch up the first pregnancy test I could find.

Immediately upon arriving home I ripped it out of the package and ... well, you can pretty much imagine what went on. I don't need to paint you a picture. (But if I did, I'd use a lot of yellow.)

And then I waited for three minutes.

Okay, maybe it was more like two and a half, but still.

With shaking hands I picked up the test and took a deep breath as my eyes registered ...

... a big fat negative.


So yeah. I'm now 99.999999% sure that my phantom kicks are just that - phantom kicks. Not the kicks of some surprise kid that's gonna come busting outta my nether-regions like, "Haaaaaay ya'll!"

It's still weird though.


  1. A friend and I were talking about phantom kicks not long ago- I wonder what they really are? I know they scare the shit out of me! my youngest is almost 8 months, we are DONE yet all we use is condoms :::thud:::

  2. We got pregnant on birth control so if I get "phantom kicks" I am in big trouble. LOL.

  3. LOL! That was so funny, especially with the pic of a positive test. Hate to break it to you but Jaiden will be 5 in July and I still have those phantom kicks sometimes. I don't know what they are or what causes them but sometimes I swear there's something growing in there and I have my tubes tied and an IUD!

  4. Whew--I was reading this with baited breath!! My eyes got embarrassingly large when I saw the photo!! Way to psych me out, chick! But as I read on, I started having visions of pink, frilly dresses and ruffle-butt tights in your future. Now I'm all bummed about that BFN! Shucks.

  5. I still get 'em... and my baby will be six in about a month. Of course, after 5 kids, I think the no vacancy sign is permanently stuck in the on position. I still get the occasional morning sickness, aversion to certain smells and I won't tell you the physical reaction a crying newborn can cause!

  6. I experience phantom kicks. I gotta's so GREAT to know that others do as well! I thought I was just strange! lol I have even had a partial hysterectomy so if I get pregnant somebody is going to be sued! LOL It's a really strange thing though...phantom kicks. Just dropping by from SITS!

  7. Google stomach parasites. That's all I'm going to say.

  8. You have no idea how fast I read this post after seeing the picture that was at the top. You're a TEASE!

  9. I get phantom kicks some times. Makes me overwhelmingly nostalgic. All my friends are announcing pregnancies or having babies this spring. It's been making my ovaries ache.

  10. Oh MY GOSH!! You just wrote an entry word for word that I could have written, this week! I have been feeling this, thinking this, etc. I even took a test, that was negative. But, i was hoping I WAS, so it could explain my butt getting bigger. Anyway, thanks for the laugh.

  11. I had to pace myself, bc I wanted to read every word, but I knew what was coming.

    I get the same kind of thing when it comes to nursing. Now, my youngest is 12 and NO I am still not nursing her. I'm no freak...well, at least when it comes to that. But, I swear to this day, every once and awhile I feel that rush in my taa-taa's like my milk has just come in. Phantom pains of nursing. I am uterus-less so I know it's nothing. Unless God has a miracle in store for me. Please God, don't pick me.

  12. I did a freak out last month. Like, leaking nipples, sore, fatigue, it all. Yep, it was freaky. NO kid here either!

  13. OMG I about died when I saw the + and I kept thinking, "WTF is she thinking??" lol

  14. Oh my gosh, I thought you were pregant through this entire post! Whew! Dodged that bullet, didn't we. I mean you.

  15. OMG, this is so true! I've taken so many pregnancy tests since my last child was born 20 months ago...even though my Hubby had the snip-snip! I am so irregular, it's crazy...and it drives me crazy. I chalk up the phantom kicks to gas!

  16. I freak myself out every once in a while, thinking that I could possibly be pregnant again. Though, for us, dh is snipped. But, he's never been checked. You just know my fourth pregnancy would give me twin boys or maybe triplets. Because I'm not outnumbered enough around here.

  17. Oh yeah, I get those phantom kicks too. Though, my youngest is just 3.5 months old. I have an IUD and while I wouldn't be upset at expecting again, not just yet..please! I chalk it up to muscle spasms. *shrug* We get them in our eyes, legs, and other body parts...why not the inside?

  18. I've spent a great deal of money on pregnancy tests because of things like phantom kicks, slightly irregular periods, episodes of nausea (that turned out to be the stomach flu.) It's just crazy. I should buy stock in e.p.t.

  19. I just had a mini heart attack for you. Wow, that was scary. I can only imagine how it felt in your shoes!!!

  20. You didn't have me fooled for a second! Because if you were actually preggo, I would've physically heard you screaming all the way over here in Virginia. LOL :)

    Since I wasn't scared, I giggled the whole way through this post. Until I got to the line "...the uterine kicks are still effing happening despite my having vacated the infants therein." And then I howled. OMG!

    Hubs thinks I'm certifiably nuts whenever I read your blog, so maybe I should just come live with y'all? I'll go AWOL and you can have Live-in babysitting and "Free Lessons From A Sailor On How To Curse Like A Sailor" for the boys. Hard to pass up, isn't it? :P

  21. I saw the picture and started thinking, "No, she would have called her mother first!" LOL

    I remember those phantom kicks, too, and never did find a good reason for them. Hmmm....maybe getting older DOES have its advantages......

  22. LOL to Jenna's comment - my thoughts exactly!

  23. I was totally holding my breath while reading this post, but glad it ended on a positive note, or well, negative?

  24. Based on that criteria, I've been pregnant without knowing it for like the last five years at least. That would probably be a whole other show, though, if I gave birth to that kind of a mutant five year fetus thing.

    I SHIT YOU NOT, my word verification is "beddingu".


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