No TV Any More, Ever

Damn you, children's television station, and your perky between-show segments that urge my children to make things and do stuff.

And damn you, children, for listening and paying attention to aforementioned perky segments. (Why can't you do that when *I* talk?)

Look. I'm not crafty. I don't own a hot glue gun, nor do I scrapbook. I once tried to knit a baby hat when I was pregnant with Colin, and ended up spending hours on it - only to end up in a tearful, yarn-tangled heap. For the purpose of illustrating my point, I ransacked my house for any do-it-yourself projects I might have done ... but the closest thing I came up with was my artful pairing of a Dollar General print with a Wal-Mart frame, like so:

Aw, yeah. Mama's got class, y'all.

I used to love crafts when I was little. Key phrase here: when I was little. Before I cared about staining things/glueing things to other things/finding glitter-stuffing-whathaveyou in the carpet for months. Now that I'm the one responsible for cleanup, crafts have lost their sparkle.

But.

I love my kids. And my kids love crafting (okay, they love the idea of crafting because honestly, they don't get to do it all that much with me). And there are these irritating guilt-trips between-show segments on their favorite TV station, Nick Jr., that are always proclaiming how fun and easy it is to make your own character-themed cupcakes, or hopscotch thingamajiggies, or laundry hampers, or ...

Moose and Zee No-Sew Snuggle Pillows ← (I just said that in, like, a really hateful and demonic tone. But since you can't hear me, just imagine it. Throw in some narrowed eyes and flared nostrils for good measure.)

This, in case you're lucky enough not to know, is Moose and Zee:

The boys begged for these stupid snuggle pillows. And I thought, "They're no-sew. I can do no-sew." It implies simplicity, right?

Not when you're me.

Just getting the right supplies posed a challenge. I went to Wal-Mart because Wal-Mart has everything, right? Well, not so much. I got the polyester stuffing, the fabric scissors because I didn't have any at home, and the fabric glue there. I had to go to a craft store to get the felt pieces the next morning. But I left the damn house too early and the craft store didn't open for an hour. When it did open, I got the yellow felt. The black felt. The pink felt. The blue felt. The brown felt. But I didn't get the stiff brown felt, because they didn't have it, so I got stiff black felt instead. 

Then when I got home, I went to the computer to print out the oh-so-handy Moose and Zee printable templates. Except oops, there was no printer ink. So I decided to freehand the pattern using a picture. Moose and Zee aren't all that hard to draw, and I've got mad art skillz, yo, so the patterns actually turned out okay.

But then.

There was the cutting.

Of the felt.

The sheets and sheets and sheets of effing felt.

The whole time I'm cutting and cutting, Colin is whining and whining because why can't heeeeee do iiiiiit? 

And then it was time to glue. I let Colin glue the felt pieces onto the other felt pieces. But when it came time to "sew" the pillow shut with the glue so I could stuff it, I figured I'd better do it. Which is why my fingernails are still crusty today, despite the surgery-worthy scrubbing that has gone on. And it's also why, due to darker felt-fuzz and pieces of skin, the perimeter of each pillow looks dirty. Niiiice.

By the time I cut, placed, cussed, glued, cussed, stuck to the table, cussed, stuffed, and cussed some more, nearly three hours had elapsed.

THREE HOURS.

For a craft that a.) took all of two minutes on TV, what with their pre-cut pieces and other such nonsense, and b.) my kids - who had begged for these pillows forever - fought over for all of five minutes and then abandoned completely. For a craft that turned out to look like this:

Whatever. My kids are never* watching TV again.

*And by "never" I mean not until 2, when "Wow Wow Wubbzy" comes on.