Children: the Best Form of Birth Control

I know, it seems contradictory. But it's true: the best way to prevent pregnancy is, well, children.

I say this because I have personal experience. Like, lots. Because right now it's Saturday night and I'm sitting here at the computer, blogging, instead of snuggling up to my husband. He's here, and I'm here, and the kids are in bed, and for once my legs don't resemble a coniferous forest - but any chance for intimacy was rudely thwarted by three little words (and no, they weren't "Not tonight, dear"):

Daddy, please stay.

I knew he was done for. Tucking the boys in and leaving the room is one thing - but when they ask him to stay and lay down with them, which he can never resist, I know I won't see him again until I wake him up and tell him to go to bed. He'll be sawing logs faster than a lumberjack on speed, and I'll be falling asleep in front of "Chelsea Lately" with the remote in one hand and some kind of unnecessary and fattening snack in the other.

Or, you know, blogging.

Either way: ABSTINENCE. No nookie. Which, obviously, is the most failproof method of pregnancy prevention.

I'd like to say this is a rare occurrence, but I think there are spiders setting up cobwebs "down there," y'all. And I've got my children to thank. They're absolutely fantastic - uncanny, really - at barring any and all chances for bow-chicka-wow-wowwww up in here.

I wrote a little poem:

Hubby won't be needing a vasectomy;
No packets of birth-control pills for me.
Just put a kid to sleep in our bed,
A guaranteed method to kill the mood dead.

No need for fancy lingerie -
Don't even own a negligee.
No desire for all that sexy getup
When most of the time I'm covered in spit-up.

A daytime quickie sure sounds nice,
Five minutes ain't great, but it'll suffice.
Until little people are pounding the door
Yelling, "Mommy, what are you locked in there for?"

Even if there are no kids in the room,
It seems like our efforts are automatically doomed
'Cause just as soon as I'm building up steam,
Comes a call of "Mommy, I had a bad dream!"

So keep your condoms and diaphragms,
Your spermicides, your rhythm plans.
Because I've tried 'em all - and on the whole,
KIDS are the best form of birth control.


  1. LOL, I love the poem! You could write poetry about absolutely anything! Do you still have the one you wrote in high school about getting a shot in the butt? That was a good one, too.;o)

  2. That poem is GENIUS!!!! No really, you should get that one published somewhere, well, you know, I mean other than on your fab blog.

    I'm so glad to know that someone else has cobwebs building permanent residence "up in there". hahahaha

    Great post!

  3. OMG this is so true!!! Most nights one of us end up upstairs trying to get the kids to bed to bed. My 4 yr old is now scared of the monsters under his bed. And by 8pm I am so exhausted and its the only time I can get some blogging done...ugh so with you!

  4. Great, great poem. We had 5 different knocks on the door the other night. *sigh*

  5. yup, and it doesn't get any better as they get older because, at some point, they do figure out what is going on behind that door, and they are really grossed out and determined to let it happen as little as possible.

  6. I find that sex becomes very difficult when you have Chuggington as your foreplay.

  7. Hilarious. And you think locking the door would help, so at least they won't burst in on you. But it doesn't. Because they just stand and pound on the door and shout to be let in or you come out.

  8. Your poem is hilarious as are some of these comments!

    Cheers :-)
    - CoconutPalmDesigns

  9. LOL!!! Seriously, they are great at keep "relations" from ever happening!!!

  10. That poem is amazing. You should set it to music. It would make an excellent country song I think.

    Ahhhh something else to look forward to when I have kids. :)

  11. Haha! Wow. That sounds awful Your blog is good enough birth control for me!

  12. well,NO MAN is an ever better form of birth control! i would know. grumble grumble.

    and this is kind of related, but my sis was trying to come up with a new birth control method, and her dr. told her that vasectomies are NOT a good idea, as the sperm is backed into the man's body, the body tries to fight it off because it is FOREIGN, and they think that vasectomies may be linked to alzheimers! wth! i had no idea. i think it was alzheimers? one of those bad diseases.

  13. I was laughing while reading the poem because I can relate with it. I WAS REALLY BEING HIT WITH THE POEM ^_^, I even let my husband read it and he said, "It's also us, dear!"

    Early Pregnancy Symptoms

  14. Catching up on your blogs is like reading a great book! This was HYSTERICAL!! You rock, my e-friend. I'm just sorry it's not "all night long!"


Post a Comment

Commenting makes you big and strong! Okay, maybe just strong. Okay, so it's only your fingers. But still ...

Popular Posts