Press-On Face

It's the second week of my life as the mom of a school-aged child, and I'm beginning to get used to it. I gotta tell you, though ... it's a complete hassle. We live within two miles of the elementary, so the bus won't stop at our house. Which means each and every morning I have to get myself and three kids up, dressed, and ready, buckle them into their respective car-and-booster-seats, and schlep them all to school (and then haul them all back to pick Colin up in the afternoon).

Yeah ... blah.

That being said, I'm looking for convenience in every possible area of my morning routine. Laying clothes out the night before: check. Having the backpack ready and hanging by the door: check. But there's one thing I have to do each morning that I can't do the night before ... and that's put on a face.

I can't help the need to slap on a little eyeliner and mascara and lip gloss before I take my kid to school. I think it's genetic: my mom won't even walk to the mailbox sans makeup, and has reapplied lipstick in every lot she's ever parked in. And no - I'm not exaggerating one iota. I'm not quite that crazy anal particular about it. I just don't want the Other Moms to look scornfully at me through their mascara-ed lashes as my washed-out self slumps through the school with my brood of kids.

Anyway, I was thinking about how I could simplify my morning makeup, and short of sleeping in it - which I won't do - there's really nothing to make it easier. So I'm putting an idea out there, and I want one of you smart smart people to invent it, okay?

What we need is a Press-On Face.

Remember press-on nails, the plastic-manicure-in-a-box that you can just slap on over your existing nails? Yeah. That's what I need for my face. A towel-like contraption, maybe, pre-loaded with cosmetic goodness?

And for whoever invents it, I'll even go a step further and offer to do the marketing - for free. I mean, I've given you the idea, and now I'm giving you the perfect spokesmodel. Check out these before-and-after pictures*:

*Actual appearance may vary slightly ... but not much.

So get on it, people! And while you're inventing, anyone wanna share some tips on how you streamline your morning off-to-school routine?


  1. Is the press-on boobs part of the deal too? The "after" boobs are perkier too! :-)

  2. excellent idea! I dread my kids going back next week! At least they are old enough that they walk in by themselves and I don't have to get out of the car. Even better, my husband starting taking them to school the second half of last year, so I hope that continues! But, Mr. Terrible Two starts a 2 day a week preschool - so I'll be forced to don "the face" and not look like a total slacker.

  3. Do you mean each mom outside school wear make up?

  4. My mom's not big on makeup (surprise, surprise, neither am I) but once we hit 3rd/4th grade we would be happy to walk or ride our bikes to school. or we would walk with friends or take the carpool. So I doubt my mom really needed to be that cute looking to walk us to school :) I dunno, I'm not a mom yet so I don't have direct experience, but I've been the kid! :) Oh, and 2-3 year old brother would come with us to walk to school when I was 6. and my 3-4 year old sis...and my 4-5 year old sis (if they weren't at nursery already...I don't remember that many details)

  5. This press on face would probably do me some good cause, I get up, put my robe on and drive Hayden to school.

    yeah, I am totally that mom.

  6. can't you go to one of those people that make realistic, your face kind of masks. then you can ust throw that on every morning. :)

  7. I totally admire the mom's that get to run their kids up to school and then go back home and work and tend to life, I HAVE to put on my face before hand because I have to drive an hour into work afterwards. I would love to take him to school sans make-up. You look fabulous Rita, even in your morning face ;)

  8. I think it already exists. I saw it on Oprah several years ago. Not as one whole face, but as the parts separately.

  9. I'm like you. I won't leave the house without some mascera and lip gloss. But I'm getting faster.

    I will completely support your Press-on Face business. Brilliant.

  10. okay, just haul out the money bags because I know you have them! lol, they now can "tattoo" your lips with permnement lipstick and your eyes with eyeliner. The you can add the new eyelash weaves (yes, they really make eyelashes you can have stiched) and you are good to go. Now, my hair was the issue! thank goodness for ball caps!

  11. I LOVE your drawings, they just kill me!

    I think you might be on to something with this press on face thing. I could really use it too. I pretty much won't go anywhere without make up either. Though I will admit...I've gotten better about occasionally running somewhere with no makeup, 'cause sometimes you just GOTTA!

  12. LOL, it's genetic! I remember your Grandma Collier saying, "Wait until I fix my face." I was always so irritated, but grew up just like her when it comes to makeup. Now we've passed it on to you.

    It may not be fair, but most of us (consciously or subconsciously) make our first judgment of people based on their outward appearance. Especially in this country, it's all about the merchandising. And you only get one chance to make a 'first impression.' ;o)

  13. LOL at the first comment, the instant breast lift was the first thing I noticed too! :P

  14. You are brilliant, funny, and very artistic! Love it!

  15. I like how the boobs changed.

    I don't bother with makeup first thing in the morning. Too tired. I find looking scary keeps people away so I don't have to converse with them.

  16. I have no suggestions but a question. Why does school start so early in your neck of the woods? When do the kids get out of school?


  17. Give it the time your last kid is in school, you won't care about putting yourself together. I used to do that, too. Now? Hell, I'm a year away from 40, I am who I am, I don't have time anymore for primping (well, too much, anyway ;))

  18. this is the recipe I perfected last year during preschool drop offs (which I was late for every. time):
    3)giant sunglasses
    4)workout clothes
    this way, the other moms and teachers think you're either heading to the gym or just got finished working out and therefore have a reason to look like a hot mess. What kind of crazy person wears full makeup to sweat, right? The giant sunglasses cover any eye bags sleeplessness left behind too, so that's nice. You do probably have to get properly dressed before afternoon pickup though - they might suspect if you look like you've been working out for 6 hours.

  19. Seriously? They expect little kids to walk to school or something just because they're w/in 2 miles?? NUTSO. I know how to solve that - MOVE farther away from the school. pronto!


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