All I Want for Christmas is My Beard Removed

When I was pregnant with my first child, I wasn't surprised by the stretchmarks. I wasn't surprised by the weight gain (well, until it reached eighty pounds and I was all, "Um, wasn't this supposed to have stopped like sixty pounds ago?"). I wasn't surprised by the swollen feet. I expected all this, at least to some degree.

But you wanna know what did surprise me about my pregnant body?

The beard.

I grew a beard.

Not one stray chin hair. Not two or three. But a straight-up beard.

As you know if you're a reasonably educated person, the scientific equation goes like this:

Woman + fetus(hormones) = beard - attractiveness = (O)mG(w)TF?

( ... Or, you know, something.)

Even after the pregnancy, the beard lingered. I would remove the hairs, they would keep coming back - like those people that keep showing up on different reality shows. And then like a karmic kick in the teeth, I sprouted new, equally stubborn hairs with each pregnancy.  I added to my family, and my beard did the same. Take the above equation and multiply it by three, and the answer is "one bewhiskered bitch."

I keep it at bay - I don't walk around looking like the lost member of ZZ Top or something - but I swear: every second I spend in front of the mirror, removing the hair from my chin, chips away at my femininity. I mean, how much more dude-like can you get than a beard? What's next, a thicket of chest hair a la Robin Williams? ... A penis?

That's why when I make out my Christmas list this year - which it's almost time to do - I'm going to ask Santa Claus to bring me a certificate for some laser hair removal. (He'll likely understand, as he himself has a substantial beard.) Because when I lean into Curtis for that New Year's kiss to ring in 2010, I'd like to do it without scratching his face all up with stubble.

Anybody had experience with laser hair removal? Anything I should know before the beard goes bye-bye?


  1. Totally sympathise with your predicament, in fact, working for sk:n has made me realise how many women suffer in silence with this problem. So much in fact, that we launched our Christmas campaign this year with the heading "Leave the Facial Hair to Santa this year" in an attempt to ease the embarassment and welcome ladies to openly discuss the problem whilst offering a solution. Laser hair removal really does work, I've had it - and I wanted to show you what one of our younger, satisfied clients also thinks - have a look at her video on YouTube:

  2. Sure hope Santa doesn't think you're a beard-hater, tho. He might take that personally. . .
    May all your Christmas wishes come true!

  3. You and your writing always always always cracks me up!!!

    Let me know about the laser hair removal....I think my husband could use that in some certain places. =)

  4. Don't know nuttin' bout birthing no baby... oh, wrong movie. I don't know about that 'cause I ain't got no hair. Slick legs I shave once or twice a year, maybe - fine blonde fluff, sorry. But I will believe with you that Santa heard your wish and you can blog about your laser hair removal and let us all know about the... fun?

  5. I love your blog... and I love your honesty! And I love when people speak frankly about pregnancy related issues... Not everyone is going to look like pin-thin Nicole Richie did when she was pregnant! I did laser hair removal on my upper lip and I'm happy with the results. The hair doesn't grow back at all. Since the new hairs that sprouted on your face aren't spread out over a large area lasering them off is the best solution. The treatments will be short and (almost!) painless. And you'll be happy to know that in the last year the price of laser has dropped significantly. Check out my blog for everything related to laser hair removal!

  6. Laser hair removal is something I really need to check into.

  7. hahaa!! seriously! pregnancy wreaks havoc on our bodies! BUT here's some good're my winner winner chicken dinner!! send me your info so we can get your new baby sling in the mail!!

  8. Hehe.

    I have an issue with getting mustaches. And it's not even because of a pregnancy. I'm just hairy. I just wax it off.

  9. Man oh man, I don't know how you say it so matter of factly and with humor! I was lamenting the horrors of aging because I have regular hairs that show up on my chest.

    The only advice I have about laser removal is don't go to the cheapest place. My friend went to the cheapest and it was just a waste of money.

  10. Well, when I was pregnant, I didn't get stretch marks or a beard, but i did get cellulite. Stupid crappy, cottage cheese cellulite. It is a good, no imperative thing, that my boys are cute.

  11. Come on over on Friday. I have something for you, if you want it.


  12. I have a few wiry chin hairs that I keep plucking, but they keep coming back. We actually have a family member who has recently had laser hair removal. We'll talk to that person when you're here next time!

  13. If you do this laser hair remove and it works, will your please post about it. I would really like to be beard free too.

  14. No experience but I'd love to get a gift certificate too.

  15. I've been there and done the laser hair removal on my chin - twice. It takes a few sessions (5 or 6), it doesn't hurt bad, it is bliss when it's over. Now why twice? Because as they will tell you - "hair growth is hormonal" - so after a few years your body will yell "sucka!" at you and throw some more hairs up there for kicks. But after this second time, it seems to be staying away longer. An occasional stray now and again, but at least no daily plucking!
    PS - I have one piece of advice - NEGOTIATE. If they think you are going somewhere else, they will suddenly have managerial override to lower the rate they just tried to suck you into!

  16. I love love love laser hair removal. From what I've heard the hardest place to remove hair is the face and techinically it only works on dark colored hair. The laser is like a rubber band pop (I've had my lip done) but my girl puts topical numbing cream on it, and I hardly felt a thing, and it wasn't at all painful! IT'S AWESOME! After only 4 times, there was a noticable difference. They say it takes about 8-10 treatments, and its definately worth the investment - seriously, IT'S YOUR FACE! Whoooohooo for Laser Hair Removal

  17. Sorry about the fuzzy face. Definitely not one of the more pleasant perks of pregnancy.

  18. lol great and funny post! honestly thank you for writing about this. I suffer from this as well and have gotten everything from wax, to electrolysis and the only thing that works is laser. I used to go every three weeks, now I'm at every 3 months. soon it will be never, hopefully....:) Good Luck with the laser! My advice is to, when she hits the laser button, just close your eyes and hold your hands tightly together. the first laser might jolt you alittle...but that just means it working!!!:)


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