Little Liars

I'm getting kinda tired of being conned, y'all.

I realize it must be fun for Cameron to see me dance like a puppet at his beck and call. He jerks the strings - "Pee-pee, Mommy!" - and I stop whatever I'm doing, no matter how important, and frantically rush him to the nearest toilet.

... And then wait for fifteen minutes while he leeeeeeans first this way, then that way on the toilet, dangling his feet, with a coy smile on his angelic little face. Fingers at the toilet paper. Picks at the genitalia. And ultimately produces no "pee-pee." Then, not only have we wasted valuable time that could have been spent updating Facebook  looking at Twitter doing something more productive, but now we have to struggle with the logistics of washing his pudgy little hands. He's not tall enough to reach the sink, even with a step-stool, so I end up squashing him against the counter and kind of pinning him in place with my front while I guide his hands under the water, usually soaking my own sleeve in the process. This debacle in itself takes, oh, about three to five extra minutes.

And it never fails. Twenty minutes after the first ill-fated trip to the bathroom: "Mommy, pee-pee!"

I fall for it almost every time. Because the times that I don't? The diaper is inevitably whipped off, and there's a puddle on the floor, as soon as I turn my back for 2.3 seconds.

But it doesn't stop with urine. I know that because Colin recently went through this "I'm going to throw up" phase. And even though I knew that 95% of the time he was just bluffing, it was too much of a risk - especially when we aren't at home. Like, one time we were at a restaurant and just after our food came, Colin was all, "I think I'm going to throw up." I couldn't tell by his physical cues, since even when he really is going to throw up he doesn't whine or squirm or anything beforehand. And since I didn't want to risk a booth full of barf - not to mention public humiliation - I took him to the bathroom ...

... where he essentially inspected the toilet for ten minutes, pointed out that "Hey Mommy, there's writing on this wall!" and then sloooowly washed his hands. Meanwhile, back at the table, my food had cooled to a disappointing lukewarm. (Good thing I'm used to it, since it's always that way at home by the time I finish dishing out and cutting up everyone else's dinner.)

I guess these things are just a rare taste of parental manipulation, and they enjoy the fact that I'm pretty much at their mercy. But that doesn't make it any more pleasant.

I'll be sooooo glad when everybody in this house learns to control their bodily functions without help!


  1. You know, hand sanitizer works great too. And there is not wet sleeves after using it. :)

  2. Rita
    Two things: one, I gave you a shout out on my blog and 2, my son still pulls the Immmagonnathrowup routine. He's 6.

  3. Lovin your blog! I have a award for you at:

  4. At least your kids know that they can depend on you ;)

  5. My daughter has the phantom "pee-pees" too. Frustrating. And even when she DOES go, we still spend an everlasting amount of time in the bathroom playing the "do this" game of Simon says whilst she waits for the pee or poo to come.

  6. Ugh. I've been there girly. It'll get better. I promise!

  7. Jen - I always carry sanitizer with me, and in fact if we're in a public restroom, I make the kids sanitize AFTER washing. LOL! You can never be too careful.

    JenJen - Two things: one, thanks for the sweet shoutout (I replied), and two, OMGpleasedon'tletmykidpullthistillhe'ssix!

    Heather - THANK YOU!!! I'm so honored! You'll be getting a link in my sidebar "trophy case." :)

    Me - True, I never looked at it that way ... although I wish they didn't think I was quite so dependable sometimes. ;)

    Bryna - Yes! Cameron too! I can't wait until the day when he learns to just sit and GO.

    Julie - Can I get that in writing? LOL!

  8. ahhh, these are the times I really don't miss being a parent to a little one.

  9. I feel for ya, I really, really do. Do you believe me??? Mine is 27. I thank God he got past it. Really. Now if I could just keep him from peeing outside any old time he feels like it (well, not in front of me or others but still...). He was a diaper stripper too. You might have this to look forward to. I'm sorry.

  10. The hand washing situation sounds exactly like what I experience 147 times a day!!

  11. Tracy - Rub it in now, but just you wait ... Wee Man isn't too far from doing this and I guarantee you'll be re-living this scenario! ;)

    Nan - Colin looooves to pee outside! Over the summer when I'd mow, Curtis and the boys would come out and rake up the clippings. And almost every time, I'd catch Colin at the side of the house "watering the weeds." LOL

    Laversa - I know ... I feel like I live in the bathroom sometimes, with two sets of little hands to wash. (Over and over and over!)

  12. Yes, I remember sitting on the side of the tub and singing while waiting for some little person to go potty! We didn't have hand sanitizer back then - what a marvelous invention! I hate wet sleeves!

  13. OH! Detested the potty training days! So time-consuming.

  14. Yeah...this isn't going well at my house either. I hate potty training. And the best part is that once my daughter is done with training, her brother won't be but a little bit behind her. As for sanitizer, well, there's only so much rubbing alcohol, perfume, and moisturizer can get off your hands, if you know what I mean.


  15. Mom - Someday that will be one of the things my kids will make fun of me for: "Mom was born before the Internet, CD players, and hand sanitizer!" LOL

    Shawn - Yes ... it seemed easier with my oldest. This time around, "detest" is a great way to describe how I feel too!

    Joshua - I feel for you. At least once we're done with Cameron it'll be a little while before Coby's ready to graduate from diapers. I'm hoping that by that time, with two pee-ers of comparable age to learn from, Coby will pick it up without much effort on my part.

    ... Then again, that's probably wishful thinking. But it keeps me sane until then. :)


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