What a Tree-asco

Two days ago, Curtis was gonna put up the Christmas lights outside. "Gonna" being the operative word here. I realize it's not even Thanksgiving yet, but you see, we live in the weather-crazy midwest. It snowed on October 10th of this year. So you never know when we're going to get slammed with a big slick snowstorm and then boom - no Christmas lights on the house.

(Plus, like, most of our neighbors have already done theirs and we didn't want to look like the slackers.)

The day was sunny and even on the verge of warm. But as much as I nagged  bitched  helpfully reminded him that he'd said he was going to do it, and that the weather was perfect, he procrastinated. I can't say I really blame him, since he's worked literally every day this month, but still. The damn lights aren't going to hang themselves. So he promised - SWORE - he'd do it the next day.

The next day (yesterday) rolled around, and Curtis woke up ready to do the lights. But there was one problem.

It was raining.

After a spirited round of "I-told-you-so," I decided we decided to do the next-best thing: put up the decorations in the house. After all, we're going out of town for Thanksgiving; wouldn't it be nice to have everything all pretty when we get back?

Yes. Yes it would.

We have an artificial tree, and it's a pain in the ass to assemble. So last year, geniuses that we are, we decided to just take the decorations off, leave it together, and store the whole thing in the storage room in our garage. That way we could just bring it into the house ready-to-decorate this year. Oh, the foresight!

Except Curtis brought up a good point. "Think I should rinse it off?" he said. "It's been sitting in storage for a whole year, and there might be mice or spiders or something hiding in the branches."

Mice or spiders? Horrors!

So he hosed off the tree, just in case.

*Normal* people would have let it drip-dry for a day or two. But us? Nobody ever said we were normal. And I was excited, dammit. So we figured it was okay to bring it into the house as long as Curtis shook it off really well first.

... Which is how we ended up doing this:

While Curtis stood there with the hair dryer and complained dried the tree, I got into the box of ornaments and lights to get everything ready. And in doing so, noticed a extra piece of ribbon. It wasn't long enough to go around the tree, but it was long enough to do something with. First I tried twining it around the bannister, but it was too short. So, with Curtis making fun of me the entire time because I just had to use this little piddly piece of ribbon, I hung it in our front window like so:

See? I'll give you a moment to marvel at my mad decorating skillz.



Anyway, when the tree had stopped dripping all over the carpet, it was time to put on the decorations. We started with a beaded garland - just lovely. Then we went to put on the lights. Except ...

I swear Christmas lights need to come with a "we-only-last-one-year" disclaimer. Because our tree lights, that we purchased one year ago, had apparently failed to muster up the strength to last for a second year. So we had enough lights for, like, half the tree. What was worse - Curtis had to go to work, and I wasn't about to venture out in the pouring rain with three kids ages 4 and under to get replacement lights. We couldn't put on the rest of the decorations, of course, without putting the lights on first. So we ended up with this:

And that, folks, is how our tree looks right now.

To add insult to injury, we've got two kids who won't stay out of it no matter how many times I threaten  ask them to. And there's this:

It's hard to catch her agile little behind in a photo, but trust me when I tell you that's a calico head peeking out. Yep, Ava won't stay out of the tree either. I think Thurman (our other cat - and yes, he's named after Thurman Merman, the fat kid in Bad Santa) would climb it too if he weren't so ... hefty.

Anyway, that's the story of our ill-fated Christmas tree.

I'm thinking we ought to be Jewish this year ...


  1. A cat in the tree is far better than a mouse in the tree, correct? I can't even put my tree up 'cause I don't even know where we'll be living then - here or there. Isn't that sad?? I will live vicariously through your Christmas - so post "after" pictures for me very soon. Like NOW?

  2. LOL! This is the BEST Christmas story ever. I've got tears rolling down my face, I'm laughing so hard!

    You poor thing! I hope the rest of your holiday goes much, much better than this! :-)

  3. Michele - Thanks! Thinking of you laughing so hard is making me laugh, too. ... And then I turn around and look at the Christmas tree, and laugh even harder. ;)

    Nan - SO true! Excellent point! But a word of advice: I'd find someone else's Christmas to vicariously live through if I were you, 'cause ours so far isn't looking so good. LOL!

  4. LED lights my friend, they're the future! Also? They cost almost NOTHING in electricity so you can leave the tree lit ALL DAY LONG w/o feeling guilty.

    This year I even saw SOLAR LED lights for outdoors which means NO extension cords.

    They do cost a bit more upfront but round here they're not bad.

  5. I grabbed some LED lights this year and wanna know what?
    They're blue.
    Like they are SO WHITE they are blue.
    And bliding.

  6. I meant blinding.
    Shit, see? I can't even type with all these spots in front of my eyes!

  7. This post seriously made me laugh out loud. I can't tell you how many times that has been me. Get all the lights on the tree and half or none of them work even though they all worked just a minute or two ago.

  8. When I saw the hair dryer I laughed.

    I am totally putting off the decorations too...unknotting the lights scares me!

  9. So much for having the house all pretty for when you return! But...that ribbon in the window ROCKS!

  10. LOL I hope you get more lights and finish the tree before you come to Missouri. I hate the thought of you returning home to a half-decorated Christmas tree!

    And the ribbon certainly adds a touch of class, as does the cat! ;o)

  11. Christmas trees are notoriously a PITA to get up EVERY year, but I'd say you're off to a rockin' start! I can honestly admit that I would NEVER have thought of using the hair-dryer. . . and after all, it wasn't even Thanksgiving yet. I LOVE the ribbon. Total Martha Stewart. Rock on, you!

    Happy Holiday!

  12. Holly - My BFF Betsy was showing me some LED lights and telling me how they're the current trend. But I was, like, the last person on earth to even get a cell phone, so I'm behind the times. ;) I'm so checking these out though!

    JenJen - The ones I saw had several different colors ... just like regular light bulbs! Soft white, yellowish, etc. I will be sure not to get "sizzle-your-retinas" white. :)

    Jen - Why is that? Something like that happens to us every single year. In fact, it's why we had to buy new lights LAST year! Urrrghhh!

    Alex - I laughed when I saw the hair dryer too. I laughed even harder when I watched Curtis actually put it into action!

    Julie - Thank you, thank you. I think it makes for a simply stunning windowscape. I totally should've been an interior decorator. ;)

    Mom - We STILL haven't gotten more lights! Oh well, it'll give us something to look forward to when we come home.

    Me - The hair dryer was Curtis's idea. But honestly? As long as he stood there with the damn thing, I'm not sure if IT did the trick or if it just had time to air dry. ;) Happy holiday to you too!

  13. Very much like it would have gone in my home. Eerily so.. but, super funny to read about someone else!~

  14. I couldn't choose just one, so I posted this on on my Sunday Funnies too:


  15. LOL!!!! I can't wait to finish part 2!


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