Fat and Flatulent

One of the hardest things about having more than one child is giving them adequate one-on-one time. (Wow, did I just use the word "one" four times in the same sentence? That's gotta be some sort of record.) Anyway. I think it's important to spend some time with each of them alone - but that's much easier said than done. So when Colin and I got to sit in the driveway together last evening - just the two of us - and write with sidewalk chalk, it was really nice.

... Well, sort of.

First of all, I was sitting on the pavement. My big heavy pregnant self + hard concrete = discomfort in a major way. My butt may be totally fat padded, but not enough to keep me comfy.

And another thing making me uncomfortable? Gas. (I like to blame it on the baby.) So when Colin moved a little further down the driveway to find a blank spot, I thought I'd take advantage of his distance to quietly let one slip. But no. It wasn't as quiet as I had anticipated ... and, consequently, neither was my son; he cracked up.

"Mommy, you farted!" he shrieked through his laughter, to the neighbors, the people walking their dog, the kids playing in the street, and the dude riding his bike rightinfrontofmyhouse. And oh yeah, anybody with their windows open, which on a day like today was everybody. WHY do four-year-old voices have, like, a ten-mile radius? Seriously?


Then Colin drew a family portrait, even including as-yet-unborn Coby. Awwww, how sweet. "Can you tell me what everyone is doing in this picture?" I asked, all preschool-teacher-like, so he started describing.

"Daddy's balancing with his arms out, like this," he said, demonstrating. "And Cameron's putting his hand on his face ..."

"And what's Mommy doing?" I asked brightly.

He looked at me as though I should already know. "Eating," he said ... like, duh, what are you always doing?

Nice. "And what am I eating?"

"Chocolate, like you always eat! ... Look at that chocolate around your lips."

Sure enough, there was a faint pastel smear around the mouth of the "Mommy" stick figure (whose legs, coincidentally, were sprouting from that same mouth).

I have to admit, his perception of me was a little disturbing. When a therapist somebody years down the road asks my son what his mother was like during his childhood, he'll probably answer that I was fat and ate only chocolate and farted all the time.



  1. much better to have a chalk drawing of yourself eating chocolate... thought you were going to say he drew a picture of you farting!

  2. Fight the urge to lose the PJs! (I just had to visit after I read your SITS comment!)

    Also, that is the funniest post! I forget what it's like to have little guys around all the time, but I can totally see that happening.

    Mine used to be little... sniff! Now they're both at camp and the quiet is eeeerie, let me tell you.

    Well, nice to "meet" you.

  3. haha! mine will probably say something about being pregnant all teh time - she is already telling me I need to get another big baby tummy. It's only been 6 months since the last one, give me a break kid!

  4. lol too funny. Umm your not Fat your beautifully pregnant.

    stop on by for a Mommy laugh can u help out with a post here please http://nightowlmama.blogspot.com/2009/07/funniest-five-momfinitions.html


  5. So funny - at least he didn't draw a picture of you farting!

  6. Oh dear. I love children but they can be both our biggest supporters and our biggest critics.

  7. Laughing out loud! Seriously. Again, sorry it's at your expense.
    This reminds me of my niece that was recently visiting. She's three and she likes to make this noise with her mouth and then scream, "I farted!" Even though she claims herself as the flatulent one, in public it almost makes you cringe as much as if she were saying it was you! (You can't help but laugh when she says it though! There's something so cute about it.)

  8. Ok this is my 2nd comment! HA! I guess I was LMAO so much I accidentally deleted the page even before I can enter the capcha thingy. Nonetheless, I'll say it again that the last statement made me laugh real loud. I'll be careful now. Thanks for sharing this with us.

  9. LOL....the only thing that would have made it worse is if the fart had reverberated off the concrete!

  10. I have been laughing all morning, catching up on your blogs, but this one took the cake! I haven't laughed this hard in a long time! Which is good because I'm getting mad looking at the grass grow while Tommy sleeps after promising he'd mow.


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