No TV Any More, Ever

Damn you, children's television station, and your perky between-show segments that urge my children to make things and do stuff.

And damn you, children, for listening and paying attention to aforementioned perky segments. (Why can't you do that when *I* talk?)

Look. I'm not crafty. I don't own a hot glue gun, nor do I scrapbook. I once tried to knit a baby hat when I was pregnant with Colin, and ended up spending hours on it - only to end up in a tearful, yarn-tangled heap. For the purpose of illustrating my point, I ransacked my house for any do-it-yourself projects I might have done ... but the closest thing I came up with was my artful pairing of a Dollar General print with a Wal-Mart frame, like so:
Aw, yeah. Mama's got class, y'all.

I used to love crafts when I was little. Key phrase here: when I was little. Before I cared about staining things/glueing things to other things/finding glitter-stuffing-whathaveyou in the carpet for months. Now that I'm the one responsible for cleanup, crafts have lost their sparkle.


I love my kids. And my kids love crafting (okay, they love the idea of crafting because honestly, they don't get to do it all that much with me). And there are these irritating guilt-trips between-show segments on their favorite TV station, Nick Jr., that are always proclaiming how fun and easy it is to make your own character-themed cupcakes, or hopscotch thingamajiggies, or laundry hampers, or ...

Moose and Zee No-Sew Snuggle Pillows (I just said that in, like, a really hateful and demonic tone. But since you can't hear me, just imagine it. Throw in some narrowed eyes and flared nostrils for good measure.)

This, in case you're lucky enough not to know, is Moose and Zee:

The boys begged for these stupid snuggle pillows. And I thought, "They're no-sew. I can do no-sew." It implies simplicity, right?

Not when you're me.

Just getting the right supplies posed a challenge. I went to Wal-Mart because Wal-Mart has everything, right? Well, not so much. I got the polyester stuffing, the fabric scissors because I didn't have any at home, and the fabric glue there. I had to go to a craft store to get the felt pieces the next morning. But I left the damn house too early and the craft store didn't open for an hour. When it did open, I got the yellow felt. The black felt. The pink felt. The blue felt. The brown felt. But I didn't get the stiff brown felt, because they didn't have it, so I got stiff black felt instead. 

Then when I got home, I went to the computer to print out the oh-so-handy Moose and Zee printable templates. Except oops, there was no printer ink. So I decided to freehand the pattern using a picture. Moose and Zee aren't all that hard to draw, and I've got mad art skillz, yo, so the patterns actually turned out okay.

But then.

There was the cutting.

Of the felt.

The sheets and sheets and sheets of effing felt.

The whole time I'm cutting and cutting, Colin is whining and whining because why can't heeeeee do iiiiiit? 

And then it was time to glue. I let Colin glue the felt pieces onto the other felt pieces. But when it came time to "sew" the pillow shut with the glue so I could stuff it, I figured I'd better do it. Which is why my fingernails are still crusty today, despite the surgery-worthy scrubbing that has gone on. And it's also why, due to darker felt-fuzz and pieces of skin, the perimeter of each pillow looks dirty. Niiiice.

By the time I cut, placed, cussed, glued, cussed, stuck to the table, cussed, stuffed, and cussed some more, nearly three hours had elapsed.


For a craft that a.) took all of two minutes on TV, what with their pre-cut pieces and other such nonsense, and b.) my kids - who had begged for these pillows forever - fought over for all of five minutes and then abandoned completely. For a craft that turned out to look like this:

Whatever. My kids are never* watching TV again.

*And by "never" I mean not until 2, when "Wow Wow Wubbzy" comes on.


  1. Don't beat yourself up over this. You are not alone in your non-craftiness. Just thinking about doing a craft makes me cry

  2. oh my gosh my 4 yeard old watches the same dang tv channel....... she wants the hop scotch matt. lol and we totally made the thanksgiving hand turkey cookies which came out like CRAP! lol

    we do alot of kids activities here though because I'm a SAHM and I homeschool her in preschool.... we spend a good 1 1/2 hours a day on it so we have plenty of time to be creative which I think is my saving grace haha

  3. ps right now I can't get her outside with me because she wants to watch Umi Zummi What the french toast! lol

  4. Well personally, I think your thingies came out just fine - they look great! I am not crafty either but for some reason son's shows didn't force crafts on you - nope, it was more like "hey look! We have tv show-related stuff you can buy right now so go spend your hard-earned money on this macho power doll so your kid will be happy forever and ever and have good memories of his childhood and mother" crud. Yep and that crud is still cluttering up my storage shed. I think I will take it over to son's house so he can be happy again and have good memories of his mother.

  5. LMAO!! My kiddos have given up on even asking to do those retarded projects. I just explain that their momma isn't smart enough to do such work and that they can ask Nana to do it with them. Ha!

  6. You've got me ROLLING with laughter on this one! Honest, ya do! Because, in my house we DO crafts. Lots and lots and LOTS of crafts. But those Nick Jr. segments get ME every time, too. I actually was looking at that exact 'commercial' for the Moose and Zee pillows the other day thinking about how totally NOT a kiddy craft it is, and that it would be nowhere NEAR as easy as it looked! Same goes for th' character cupcakes. . . I could never do those and have them look halfway decent!

    *shakes head*

    But I gotta give it to you - you're a trooper! You should totally win 'crafty mom of the year' award for pulling through and making it work!


  7. They turned out cute but you're right. Darn those TV shows with their crafty ideas! That's what we pay school taxes for. Let the teachers do it!

  8. I think they came out great. At least you did it. I'd have been all, "No," and distracted my kids with chocolate or something. I am not crafty in the least. I usually wind up in tears when I attempt a craft.

  9. I have turned to buying, not crafting. With the way my stuff comes out, the cost is about the same and the store bought stuff usually looks better.

  10. My 5 year old loves crafting and making. I kinda just leave her to it. Unfortunately sometimes that ends up in a piece of denim being cut out of jeans at mid thigh.

  11. I am really impressed.

    My idea of being crafty is getting out color crayons and paper.

  12. Aww...they turned out great! I remember when my boys used to want to do things like that! That's been a few years ago! Enjoy it now while it last honey!! I have an assortment of their Christmas ornaments (among a few other things) that I wouldn't trade for anything and the ornaments still get put on our tree every year!

  13. I'm quite impressed with the Moose & Zee pillows, because I would never even have attempted them. You definitely got your un-craftiness from your mother! Glue is messy, glitter ends up everywhere, and colored paper just frightens me.

    The reason you liked crafts when you were little is that your Grandma Collier was a retired Kindergarten teacher and loved doing all that stuff. She obviously didn't pass it on to me, and I didn't pass it on to you. Your sister Amy got the "crafty gene." Just send the boys to her house! LOL

  14. Those turned out better than I ever could have pulled off! Looks like success to me! :)

  15. Lol, I thought you were serious! I actually turned off the TV some years ago, and never turned it back on. When I married my husband, for a very brief time I watched TV again (because he does) but it didn't stick. I don't like TV anymore. I really don't like the ads. I don't want someone else telling me what I need.

    PS I love, love, love crafts! I know it can be...well, you know, but it's wonderful for helping children become creative.

  16. I love that the one piece of crafting you could find had to do with drinking wine!

    I knew I loved you!

  17. there are those that craft, and there are those that shop. i pretty much buy things as it is a PAIN IN THE ASS TO MAKE THEM!

  18. I just read this post and HILARIOUS! Um, where's Zee's flower?

  19. Hey I think they turned out great!!! You have a great blog...HAPPY SITS DAY girl!! I am also on my last year of my 20's...but with 3 girls...also fighting off frumpy, tee that name!

    Jamie :)

  20. Sooo funny! You had me laughing out loud at your 1st sentence. I (unfortunately) do know who Zee & Moose A Moose are. Is it bad that I try to change the channel when I feel one of those infomercial thing-ys coming on? Jill

  21. I suck at crafts too. In my head I'm Martha Stewart but sadly, a 3 year old could do better than me.

    Happy SITS day.

  22. I don't remember crafts being on the tv when I was little! however, I've said for the last few years now, when I have kids, all their little toys (stocking stuffers, etc) are coming from the dollar section at Michaels. I love that place :)

  23. I actually think they turned out really cute! When I've been around little ones, I'm always annoyed by the endless toy commercials. The declarations of how bad they NEED everything advertised are endless.


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