Do Not Attempt While Pregnant

I don't know about you, but I have a hard time buying stuff for myself. If somebody were to give me $100 and tell me to spend it on clothing, there's a 99.9% chance I'll come out of the store loaded down with outfits for my kids: it's just the way things are. There's only so much money to go around, so if it's going to be spent on clothes, it'll be spent on their clothes. Mine may not be haute couture, but at least I know I won't outgrow (or wear out, tear up, or irreversably stain) them as fast as my children do theirs.

Unless I'm pregnant - specifically in the third trimester, when I look like I'm incubating a baby beluga whale (okay, twin baby beluga whales). By that time, I'm always so big that people literally stop to gape at me like I'm about to give birth on the floor of the gas station/library/Wal-Mart or wherever I happen to be. Therefore it's imperative that I buy something that fits, so that I don't walk around looking like even more of a freakshow with my stretched-out belly exposed.

There are several problems with this, though:

1. When I'm not pregnant, the maternity section of every store is practically overflowing with cute outfits. But when I am pregnant, the cute outfits are mysteriously replaced with shapeless, tentlike masses of fabric with weird bows and knots.

2. It's the same with plus-sized clothing, which often suffices size-wise, but falls pitifully short in the trendiness department. Everything seems to be stretchy polyester with some sort of loud, gaudy print and flapping sleeves - things that even my unfashionable ass wouldn't be caught dead in if I wasn't pregnant. Is it some conspiracy to keep big girls from looking cute?

3. The maternity clothes that actually are decent cost, like, an arm and a leg. Call me cheap, but I'm not paying that much for something I'm going to wear for the next month or two.

4. Dressing rooms aren't made for pregnant women. Especially a pregnant woman that is the size of Brazil. Especially when that pregnant woman is trying on pants. (Note to self: next time you lose your balance and fall into a dressing room door, find one that latches securely - the whole of Target nearly saw your jiggly ass today.)

5. In the event that I do find something that looks cute on the hanger, it inevitably does NOT look as cute on me, leading to an all-out hormonally-fueled dressing room meltdown. Like this afternoon when I tried on these cute capris ... which painfully highlighted the fact that my ankles now blend into my calves. Ugh.

So you see? Shopping while pregnant is torturous, unless you're one of those women who remains stick-thin everywhere but the belly (in which case, get out of my blog and go eat a sandwich. Kidding, ladies, I'm just bitter).

I will end on a bright note, though, and share with you the one purchase that I have gotten TONS of good out of, the absolute best maternity pants ever, hands-down:

(Yes, I jacked this picture from the Motherhood Maternity website. But I figure if I'm endorsing their pants - unprompted - they won't care too much ... right?) Anyway, these are the most awesome pants - I've linked you to the details here. They're stretchy, swingy and flattering, and the belly is so forgiving that I've been able to wear them in every trimester (no matter how gargantuan I get) AND after giving birth - even after losing much of my baby weight. They're so basic that I wear them with everything from dressy tops to T-shirts. I know it sounds like an infomercial, but I just wanted to share the ONE item of maternity clothing that I've actually loved and worn to death. You know, in case anyone else is in my same boat.

To sum things up: yay for good pants. Boo for all other aspects of maternity shopping. I'd rather pass a 9-pound baby through my ... oh wait, that's going to happen anyway, isn't it?


  1. Even though I gained 16 kilos during my pregnancy, I didn’t gain so much size. Until the fifth months many people, including my work colleagues, didn’t know that I was having a bun in the oven!
    So I was able to wear my pre-pregnancy cloths almost until the 3rd trimester..
    I know you hate me… :P
    However, I wished to gain more size because whenever my husband see pregnant woman with big belly he says that it look so cute.. so I was waiting to be that cute but I didn’t reach it..


  2. I have to agree on the pants. My best pair of maternity pants were a black stretchy pant that I could wear with anything my whole pregnancy and not look like a slob. I want also would like to find out who prices the "nice" maternity clothing? I tried on a pair of jeans at one of the nicer stores, I looked at the price tag... $175. I can feed my whole family for a month with that much cash. Crazy! I started looking at Goodwill and Consignment shops and found a lot of the expensive maternity clothes at bargain prices.

  3. Fatimah - I promise you were MUCH cuter than me. I would take an adorable little belly over a huge one ANY day!! :)

    Kris - great suggestion! I'm totally going to check those places out. And I know ... it's like if you shop at anywhere more expensive than Target or Wal-Mart or something, the prices are astronomical. Ugh.

  4. Hey chica. I know what you mean. I hated buying maternity clothes while pregnant. I want to buy maternity cute clothes when I see them and give them to my pregnant friends whenever they get pregnant (because I do not plan on being pregnant again).

    With the plus size clothes - I do think it is a conspiracy. We want to look just as cute as the Skinny Minnies out there. But for some reason, many clothing places think that Plus Size = Old Lady MuMu. And it really doesn't. I promise. I do not wear MuMus.

    I am, though, the woman you spoke about here "unless you're one of those women who remains stick-thin everywhere but the belly (in which case, get out of my blog and go eat a sandwich" except that I am so very very not stick thin. I am however the woman that only gets this big giant basketball under her shirt. It is annoying. So, I gotta tell ya...being pregnant sucks all over when buying clothes. Try being a plus size momma trying to buy even plus-ier sized maternity clothes. HA!

    PS - I like those pants. They look UBER comfy.

  5. I think i actually had those pants! my issue is always that nce I hit 7 months nothing will stay up. And I don't care how cute you are, droppy critches and hiking your pants up every 5 minutes is hardly stylish. my problem with motherhood maternity is that the pants are too short for me 30" inseam. their sister stores Mimi and Pea in the Pod have longer lengths (32" and 34" respectively) but also higher prices. Apparently those extra few inches of fabric cost a bundle. I agree about not spending a lot of money on meternity clothes, but on regular clothes I always spend more on myself than my kids. because I'll have my clothes forever, and they will only wear theirs a few times. Or more likely, the new clothes will sit in the drawers while my kids run around in the one ratty thing they love best, or in nothing at all. Good luck with your last few weeks/months (I don't know how far you are along)!

  6. I'm wearing the pants today - and totally plan on washing them tonight and wearing them again tomorrow! :)

    Charisse - you're sooo lucky to JUST have the prego belly. I get fat EVERYWHERE. I don't understand it, but I seriously gain weight in every area. Even my nose gets bigger - no lie! It's so hard to look cute when you suddenly balloon up all over the place, and even harder when everyone wants to dress you in (like you said) a muumuu! *sigh*

    Kate - I'm 5'8" and usually have a problem finding pants that are long enough, but these are perfect. I think they might be a 32" inseam?

    And that's my kids: running around in something ratty (or their PJs) or butt-naked.

    By the way, I'm 30 weeks. Officially due September 14th, but hoping to be induced on the 9th (I was induced with my first two) because HOW COOL would a birthday of 09/09/09 be??? :)

  7. So book marking this for when I get preggers. I'm already plus size so I worry about finding myself in the midst of nuclear melt downs over maternity clothes. Thanks for the link!

  8. kinda makes me wish I still had my uterus. kinda.

  9. Yes, I always envied those girls with the cute little "basketball bellies," too. I was never an attractive pregnant person and endured many "OMG!" stares - and sometimes comments - from the general public. I certainly don't miss those days, but I'd do it all again to get you and your siblings. You're so good at losing your pregnancy weight, you'll be back in shape in no time after Coby arrives!

  10. Pregnancy was not kind to me as well. I was 95 lbs when I got pregnant and then topped out at almost 150. My belly was so huge that the last trimester I gave up shaving my legs and shoes that tied. I thought that I had at least been blessed with not having stretch marks, but they were hiding, under my belly.

    In addition to the fact that I was a walking house, I had the worst case of acne EVER! Not only was my face a giant zit, I broke out on my back and my chest. I tried everything to get it under control and nothing helped.

    It was an adventure that I do not plan to repeat.

  11. Funny... I noticed Motherhood's fall wardrobe is HORRIBLE. I immediately turned to my husband and said "Shit. I'm pregnant."

  12. All your points are spot on - love those pants though!


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