Usually, I'm not dealing with a minor crisis by 7 o'clock in the morning.

... Usually.

But today? It's been a different story.

My kids woke up at the crack of dawn - around six. I've been trying, to no avail obviously, to persuade them to sleep later ever since one of my friends told me that her kids sleep until like 9:30 or 10. Heh ... must be nice! (In my best "Napoleon Dynamite" voice: "Lucky!")

I went to bed unusually late last night, and drooled so much that I kept waking myself up (WTF?). Needless to say, I wasn't exactly alert and chipper when I dragged myself out of bed this morning. So when my boys went into Colin's room to play, I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth - they were being quiet, they weren't squabbling, and the house wasn't on fire, so whatever they were doing in there was good enough for me. I came into the dining room to make my morning "rounds" on the computer while they were sufficiently occupied.

WHY do I NEVER remember - or always choose to forget - the Golden Rule of Motherhood: if your kids are being quiet, they are probably up to something they shouldn't be.

I should have known something was amiss when Colin yelled, "Mommy, I'm using the clippers as tweezers!" I should have put two and two together. The fingernail clippers go in the hall closet. Colin had the clippers - therefore he had to have been in the hall closet. But it was early, and I was tired, and I didn't even give it much thought.

"Where did you get the clippers?" I asked.

"I don't know," he called. "Texas Roadhouse or something."

(For anyone unfamiliar with Texas Roadhouse, it's a restaurant.)

It was one of those Mommy "whatever" moments. You know, when your kid has something you really don't like for him to play with ... but you're getting a few moments' peace, so whatever.

I went back to my computer.

In a couple minutes, I heard Cameron crying. This in itself isn't unusual, especially when he's playing with his brother. But it sounded especially urgent. I had just gotten up and started back there to investigate when he came running toward me, bawling ... and reeking of ...

... sunscreen?

Yep, that's what it was. Colin had somehow managed to climb to the upper shelves of the closet and retrieve the bottle of spray-on sunscreen. And he had sprayed it in his baby brother's face!

Poor Cammie was crying, his face and right eye red and splotchy, his hair plastered to the side of his head, snot and spit running out of his nose and mouth in a river. I felt terrible, like the worst, least vigilant mother on the planet. I immediately rushed him to the sink and started dousing his face with cool water, soothing his hysterics as best I could while I was practically drowning him.

But then I realized - the sunscreen was waterproof. The water just beaded and rolled off his skin. So if water didn't work, what on earth could I use?

This is why, at 7 AM, I was standing at the kitchen counter wiping my baby boy's face ... with Tucks pads. You know, the ones you use to soothe hemorrhoids? Yeah. The hospital provided them to me when I gave birth, and they've just been sitting there unused - until this morning. But I figured they'd be perfect: they're soaked with witch hazel, which is an astringent, but which is also gentle. And it worked. As for his eye, I just flushed it out with water ... I didn't have much of a choice.

Colin, in the meantime, had been banished to his bedroom until I could deal with the situation at hand and figure out a proper means of punishment. Once I had Cameron settled down and (reasonably) cleaned off, I went in there.

First things first. "Did you spray it anywhere else besides on your brother?" I asked.

After a bit of hesitation: "Yes."


No answer.

"Where, Colin?"

"... On my penis."



  1. Ha ha ha ha! This post made me :( for the poor wee one but that ending was hilarious!

  2. Bless you. And thank goodness I have a girl. lol. I know I'm in for just as much trouble, but your kids seriously crack me up.

  3. Thanks ladies! And JP: I don't have any experience with a girl, obviously, but from what I observe ... they're always the ones sitting nicely, doing what they're told, while the boys run around all crazy. Is that true or is it just my perception? :)

  4. omgoodness.. his penis.

    he's protecting his man junk already.. :)

    I have a great UV PROTECTANT no NEED for sunscreen.. SWIMSHIRT giveaway on my blog.....

    sits friend stopping by

  5. LOL d, I think "protecting the man junk" just comes naturally to them, no matter how small a man they are (uh, no pun intended)!

    Thanks for stopping by - and I'll definitely check out the swimshirt giveaway! :)

  6. When my brother was a toddler, he used to bite my sister and me. My mom told us to bite him back! Have you thought about letting Cam spray sunscreen in Colin's face as a consequence? Totally kidding!
    The Tucks pads were a genius idea! And wouldn't it have helped a tiny bit if it just hadn't been 7am?

  7. Tuck pads?...You've had quite the morning, you poor mama!

    Stopping by from SITS. The name of your blog caught my eye. :)

  8. Jennifer, I *thought* about stringing Colin up by his heels as a consequence ... luckily my thoughts don't always translate into actions. ;)

    Welcome Genny! Glad you stopped by!

  9. Hahaha... how funny! And recognizable! I have a 5 year old girl who would absolutely do something like that!

    Found you through SITS and I'll be back. Enjoy your blog! (Great design as well!)

    So have a great weekend and PLEASE come visit me and read about walking the red carpet today...

    Greetings from Spain!

  10. I assure you, that the impression that girls just sit nicely and do what they are told is A LIE. My daughter is way more likely to be the one spraying stuff all over (and in fact has emptied five or six travel size lotions and shampoos all over the bathroom and her brother), than my son is. I;m so sorry for the little one who got doused, but the ending was classic.

  11. WOW!!! You have kind of had a rough week now that I think about it. Poor little Cameron. But I am sure big brother didn't mean to hurt him. They were just playing nicelike. :-)

    now my word verification thingie is FACKD!!! How awesome is that?!??!

  12. Oh my!

    I wish my kids slept in until 10. That would be bliss.

  13. Dreamgirl - thanks for stopping by! You're my first-ever visitor from Spain. :) I spent some time checking out your blog today, and really enjoyed it. I'll be a return visitor for sure! PS - thanks for the compliments on my blog design. It means a lot since I've spent HOURS doing it all myself, LOL!

    Kate - I think it's just me. You know, a "grass-is-always-greener" thing. I'm sure all girls will seem better-behaved in my perception, until I have one of my own and learn otherwise. ;)

    Charisse - this week isn't necessarily rough, just typical ... sadly enough! And you're right - Colin is never malicious toward Cameron (well, ALMOST never), but poor Cam sure does end up getting the raw end of the deal most of the time.

    Amber - tell me about it! I wouldn't know what to do. I don't think I've slept past 8 AM in, oh, about four years now.

  14. Life with small children is never dull, is it?! I'm so glad Cam is okay and that you didn't seriously injure Colin. They do make quite an adventurous pair!
    I seem to recall a few times when my little girls made similar messes, though. Weren't you the one who made milk and Mentholatum soup on your little toy kitchen set (and smeared it all over your room)? And painted your doll house with my most expensive nail polish? Nope, girls aren't any easier to raise. And those little girls who are sitting innocently while the litte boys get in trouble.....usually encouraged the boys to get into the mischief in the first place! LOL

  15. This is such a good idea! I'm going on vacay next week. I need it desperately and I might just do a little something like this!

    Very smart thinking. I would never have thought of hemorrhoid pads. And what is this with all males? Why are they all so infatuated with their penis, no matter the age? We don't go around constantly manipulating our ta ta's. I just don't get that!


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