In My Dreams ... or Not!

Well, I think it may have finally happened: my pregnancy has entered its traditional celibacy phase. There's no certain day or time or event that indicates the entrance of this phase - but when it takes a calendar and more than ten seconds to figure out when you last, um, did the dirty, it's a pretty safe bet that you've hit a dry spell.

This phenomenon seems to occur around the 7-month mark in each of my pregnancies. I can't blame my husband, because I've got to be honest: if he suddenly packed on 70+ pounds, like I do every.single.time, I wouldn't be all that attracted either. After all, this is a man who has seen my 5'8" frame at a svelte 130 pounds, complete with muscle tone and a cute belly button ring. And God love him, this same man has also seen my 5'8" frame at (gulp) 253 pounds - my heaviest weight ever - with a pregnant stomach riddled with stretch marks and a droopy flap where my "cute" belly ring once was. He has also seen two babies (and, erm, some poo once) emerge from "down there" during childbirth, and knows it's imminent again ... so I have to cut him some slack. I have no doubt that he still loves me - he just doesn't want to looooooove me right now, if you catch my drift. *nudge nudge*

(Plus he works 12-hour days, so it's not all shallowness.)

Anyway, it is during this last trimester that my mind generously offers assistance in the form of some pretty nice dreams. They usually involve Eminem, who is someone I would not fantasize about while I was awake - or Johnny Depp, whom I most definitely would have waking fantasies about.

(Or wait. Honey, are you reading this? If you are, I'm TOTALLY kidding. ... Ha. Ha.)

.... *ahem*

But there's a fundamental problem with this: the more children and pets I accrue, the more likely these dreams are to be interrupted. It happens nearly every time now. And we all know that an interrupted erotic dream is like ... well, an interrupted erotic experience: whether it happens in your mind or in real life, it's never cool, and it almost always leads to some degree of grumpiness.

That's how it was in the wee hours of this morning. I was leaning into Mr. Depp (who, coincidentally, finds me sexy when I'm fat and hormonal) for some dream lovin' when I heard the following from Colin's room:

"MOMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYY! I can't sleep with all this pee in my bed!!!!"


So like the dutiful mommy that I am, I slowly and clumsily heaved myself got up out of bed and went to see what the problem was. Luckily, what Colin was calling "pee" was actually just a spot of drool on his pillow. Whew. I flipped it over, problem solved, and I went back to bed - hopeful that I could pick up where I left off with Johnny.

But you wanna know what I dreamed about instead? My tomato plant. Yeah. Nothing sexy about that ... damn it.

"Children": another word for "take that, libido!"


  1. Note to self: Read Fighting Frumpy in the morning to start the day with a great laugh!
    I've always wondered about the sex thing during those last weeks of prenancy. Especially since the experts suggest the deed as a way to bring on labor.
    I've actually been able to go back to sleep and finish an interesting dream twice. Of course, the other 4,000 times I've gone back to sleep to dream about something similar to your tomato plant!
    PS: I had no idea you were 5'8"! I guess I'm not very observant!

  2. just found you via the SISTA's too funny wil have to keep reading along. and oooollaallaa johnny Depp thanks for that!

  3. Hurtling toward 29 is a wonderful age. I love your blog design and of course that picture of Johnny Depp. I saw him this week in Public always he was gorgeous (great acting too.)

  4. Thanks girls! Yes ... Johnny Depp is pretty delicious. Maybe this picture will inspire me to continue my dream at bedtime tonight. ;)

    And Jennifer: you should see me (well, maybe not, but you know what I mean) trying to persuade Curtis to "do it" in order to bring on labor. It's so perfunctory by that point ... I might as well be like, "Hey, will you scratch my back?" LOL

  5. my pregnancy dry spells begin at about, oh, comception. I am the only pregnant woman i've heard of whose hormones make her totally averse to any intimacy at all - I have to force myself to even hug my husband when I'm pregnant because I know he needs some contact but it all just grosses me out. Also, my deepest dream periods occur at about 6-7am, and I am interrupted Every. Single Morning. They are not always erotic or especially good, but getting disturbed from any sort of intense dream is so discombobulating. Starts the day off wrong.

  6. Considering by seven months I was beginning to feel like a beached whale I don't even think I *could* have erotic dreams...*nothing* about me felt erotic. It was once I delivered that I turned into a sex-crazy woman...once I dumped the cannon ball I was carrying I felt so free that I was attacking my husband within a few weeks after giving birth. (Okay, I know, I'm not normal...most women say after giving birth sex is the LAST thing they want, but...) Then I had to contend with milk leaking during inopportune times...I don't think my husband noticed, he was so happy to have it again and liked that now my breasts were the size of beach balls instead of my stomach...

    But, hey, you are approaching the finish line! :-)

  7. Love this post. You have a great blog...glad I found you!!

  8. I just couldn't read a word. All I could see was Johnny with his low-slung pants. Thank you for that.

  9. Oh my gosh! You are hilarious and fearless to delve such intimate so-true-moments! I'd laugh out loud but then I'd wake the baby and all fun must be had be him, not the momma....

  10. ahhhhhhh! How did I miss that?? Thanks for a daily dose of Johnny Depp dream lovin!


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