How to Get in My Pants

Word to the wise: don't ever surprise me a.) during a nap, or b.) in the middle of the night. Because chances are, I won't be wearing pants.

There's just something irritating about sleeping in pants, the way they tangle around my legs and cause me to feel all hot and smother-y. So, at least until my boys are old enough to be irreversibly traumatized by the sight of my dimply bum, I take them off whenever I'm in bed. (The exception is when Curtis works nights; I'd hate to waste the time covering my bottom half when I'm solely responsible for evacuating the house in case of an emergency.)


I indulged in the luxury of a family nap today. Curtis and the boys were laying down, so I thought why not? I peeled off my jeans and hoisted my huge self into the bed (side note: I'm officially 8 months pregnant and soon to be in need of a crane).

When we got up, I decided that since we wouldn't be going anywhere for the rest of the day, I'd just throw on my beloved stretchy black pants. Ahhh, comfort.

I peed, got a cookie, chased Cameron around for a couple minutes, and then went to go sit in the living room. When I flopped onto the couch, I felt a pinchy, itchy feeling on the back of my left thigh. I stood up to see what I'd sat on, but there was nothing there. So I put my hand down to scratch the itchy spot and felt something ... inside my pants.


Whatever it was, it felt kind of hard and nuggety. (My immediate thought was a little piece of granola or something. Hey, you never know what you might find - anywhere - with kids around.) I rolled it around in my fingers for a second, then pulled down my pants to further inspect.


OMG OMG OMG OMFG - it was a SPIDER!!!!!!

I jerked my pants the rest of the way off like they were on fire, with a scream so high-pitched that it's a wonder the neighbors didn't call the cops. I couldn't believe that, not only had I been walking around with an effin' spider in my pants, but that it had bitten me - an itchy little puncture wound proved it.

"I'm going to die!" I wailed dramatically, dancing around the living room naked from the waist down. (In front of the window ... you're welcome, neighbors.) Curtis sat at the computer, seemingly unconcerned that his wife had probably just been bitten by a black widow or something.

"Come get this spider out of my pants so we can see what kind it is!" I whined, hopping from one foot to the other. I envisioned myself mere moments away from keeling over in intense pain, sweating and foaming at the mouth, and succumbing to death by spider bite.

Sighing as though it were some kind of imposition, Curtis dragged himself reluctantly from the computer and picked up the offending pants, giving them a shake.

"Don't shake them so hard!" I shrieked, clambering onto the couch with surprising agility. "I don't want him to fly out of there!"

Gingerly, he reached into the leg and turned it inside out. Nothing. Then he did the same with other leg ... and nothing. He looked at me skeptically.

"It was there!" I insisted. My eyes frantically searched the floor because I just knew the freaking spider was lurking down there somewhere, waiting to exact his revenge on the people who had ousted him from "his" pants. And sure enough, I spotted something moving along the carpet. "There he is!" I screeched, pointing.

"This isn't a spider," Curtis said.

I looked. Okay, so maybe it wasn't a spider. And I wasn't going to die (thank the Lord!). But it was a BEETLE! Some sort of gross beetle with pinchy mouth-parts. It was almost as scary as a spider ... almost.

This story comes with a valuable lesson, kids: always know who's getting in your pants, or it could bite you in the ass.


  1. I. Hate. Spiders.


    Sorry you got bit, but I am so relieved it wasn't a spider. I don't need to add spider-in-my-pants to my list of irrational fears (like spider-hiding-in-the-lamp-shade-waiting-to-attack-me-thank-you-very-much-"Arachnophobia-you-are-a-vile-movie-and-ruined-my-life). Of course, I'll probably be worried about it anyway because you've exposed me to the IDEA. Thanks. A. Lot.


  2. Me too! Hate hate HATE them! And yes, I'm definitely relieved that it wasn't really a spider (though ... a beetle in my pants? A BEETLE? Come on).

    I've never seen Arachnophobia for just that reason. Movies like that tend to stick with me ... I still freak out about zombies. Irrationally, of course. :)

  3. LOL, I'm glad you're not mortally wounded! Whether it was a spider or not, bugs just don't belong in your pants!

  4. Maybe not mortally wounded, but certainly psychologically damaged. Now I am going to be thoroughly inspecting the inside of every article of clothing I put on!

    Speaking of, Mom, remember the time (when I was like 11 and we lived on Grand Avenue) that I found a ROACH in my brand-new shorts?!? WHY does this happen to me?

  5. Every time one of us writes I find that we are more and more alike. Do you have a long lost twin sister somewhere that could be me? I mean, when I was younger, our dryer had broken so we were dryng our clothes on a clothes line in the backyard, and when I went to put my jeans on - I GOT STUNG!!! 6 times. BY.A.WASP!!! That had gotten in my jeans. I have never screamed so loud nor cried so hard nor freaked out as much as I did that day. I still, to this day have to shake my pants a bit and wait a second before I put them on. JUST. IN. CASE.

  6. Oh my LORD Charisse ... thank God mine was only a beetle and not a wasp. I would have freaked! I'm afraid of those things too!

    Man, I'm a sissy. :)

  7. This freaked me out just READING about it. Spiders freak me out. ANY type of bug freaks me out.

    For the record, I don't wear pants when I sleep either. Well, I'll have to when we're at the beach in a week and a half. I don't want to scare my cousins..

  8. I would DIE!!!

    Just another reason not to wear pants.

    Oh wait, I need them to cover my thighs...ok, never mind.

  9. That is such a funny story! Now, every time I put on a pair of pants, I am gonna shake them out first!

  10. OMG! poor you i would have freaked out as well! I HATE beetles they give me the creeps, bloody men they have no sympathy xx

  11. I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who would react that way in this situation! :) I freak out just SEEING a beetle, so to think that one was riding up close to my "you-know-what" for so long .... *shudder*

  12. This post is hilarious! I just found your blog through the Domestic Dork blog. I love the look of it and I can't wait to go and check out more.

  13. Aww, thank you! I'm so glad you stopped by! :)

  14. Ah ha! Blogger is finally showing me some love this morning. Hooray! Each time I visited your site before, the post a comment box would not come up. Lame, lame blogger. If he is not careful, I may just go ahead and break up with him for good. :)

    Oh, and I definitely feel your pain with this post. A beetle in your pants?!? I may have just lit them on fire if something like this happened to me. One can never be too careful!


  15. LOL your stories crack me up.....I would have been flipping out too!

  16. Oh My Goodness!!!! i was just squirming in my seat, a little afraid to continue reading. i would have freaked the f*ck out! haha just imagine if you were out in public. dont know about you, but i would have still stripped off my pants. anything to NOT have a creepy, little, multi-eyed & legged monster scuttling around on your skin. blech! spiders are my evil nemesis!

  17. I also sleep without pants and will now be shaking them thoroughly before putting them back on. Aaaaaagh!

  18. oh my! i just got really anxious reading that it was possibly a spider that bit you! i hate them!

  19. You are so dang funny! Thanks for making my day! Sorry about the bity bug.. gross!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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