Rita's Big Problem

For my birthday, we celebrated by going out to lunch. (Oh, the excitement!) Right away I knew it would be a fantastic experience - we got right in even though the place was packed. They were probably just worrried that I was gonna give birth on their floor, so they wanted to hustle us along.

But "fantastic" quickly turned into "humiliating" when they tried to seat us in a booth ... and I didn't fit. OMG, you guys. How embarrassing. I mean, I could slide into the seat, but my belly pressed so uncomfortably against the edge of the table that I couldn't fathom eating a meal like that. So we had to relocate to a table. In the meantime, the tables surrounding us - all full, of course - were smiling and snickering. To top it off, the table next to ours just happened to be a guy Curtis works with. And a superior, at that. So his first and only impression of me is "the pregnant fatty who couldn't even fit into a booth."

Awesome.

To give you some reference, this is what I look like from my own vantage point. Note the absence of feet.


(Yes, my boobs are like ten miles apart. They'd have to be the size of watermelons in order for me to have the kind of cleavage that touches. And right now they're only, ohh, about the size of grapefruits. And once I'm not pregnant or breastfeeding, they'll be the size - and shape - of deflated raisins. But someday, mark my words, I will BUY cleavage ... bwahaha!)

*ahem*

This is what I looked like from the side ... two or more weeks ago. So you can only imagine me right now.So after we relocated to a table, our waitress comes up. And you know how waitresses are supposed to be friendly and helpful? Well, she wasn't. At least not in the sense of bolstering my ego.

"Ohmigod!" she gasped upon seeing my gargantuan gut. "Is there just one in there?"

"Yes, just one," I said politely with, like, the fakest smile ever.

"I was huge like that too," she gushed. "But I had twins."

Um, thanks.


(... Bitch.)

All this is to say nothing of the stares, the bugged-out "I-can't-believe-I'm-seeing-this" eyes, the openmouthed gapes. I'm not exaggerating one iota when I tell you that people will literally stop what they're doing - or stop dead in their tracks while walking - to do a double take as I pass by. It's as if I've suddenly grown a Siamese twin. With a hunchback. And a mullet.

If I were not hugely pregnant, but grossly obese instead, would people have the audacity to say, "Whoa, is that a glandular problem or just too many Twinkies?" ... No. They wouldn't. (God, at least I hope they wouldn't!) At least not to my face. So why is incubating a Thanksgiving turkey baby different? I know I'm big ... bigger than 99.9% of most pregnant women. I know I look miserable - I am miserable right now. Do you need to point it out? No. I'm quite aware, thankyouverymuch. If you need to say something about my not-so-delicate condition, whisper it to your companion when you think I don't notice, like everybody else does.

I keep telling myself: I'm in the home stretch. I'm in the home stretch. I'm in the home stretch.

PS - If all goes according to plan, I'm going to *attempt* to keep everyone posted during my labor via Twitter. (I'd tweet during the pushing phase too, but I can only do so many things at once, y'all.) Anyway, if you want in on the excitement (does Rita poop on the birthing table this time?) you'll need to follow me on Twitter. And it would help greatly if you could vote in my poll (check the right-hand sidebar of the blog) ... my Twitter page looks crazy on some screens, but to others it looks just fine - so I'm trying to decide whether it's worth going to all the trouble to change it.

Comments

  1. I think you look absolutely beautiful! But I do remember how uncomfortable is was in the "overcooked" phase, 40 weeks is long, 42 weeks is like eternity. Maybe he'll get tired of being all squished and decide to upgrade his digs :)

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  2. Hang in there... I had that "I don't fit in a booth" experience, too. Cheesecake Factory. Fun!

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  3. Booth, shmooth. That baby wanted dinner. Hoping the debut is on the soon side for your sake ;)

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  4. I know exactly how you feel. I was huge people were always making comments. I had three babies that were 10lbs at birth. Not sure why I make such big ones. I'm not very big myself. Those last few days can be awful, take care & just ignore other people. I once didn't 'fit' on an airplane. Couldn't get the table down.

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  5. ummm Rita, I don't fit at MY dining room table. Now granted I know there are 3 in there, but I am only 27 weeks toady. I am soooo feelin ya honey. I think you look beautiful. And BTW, LOVE the "naked" little one behind you! And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

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  6. Just stopping by from SITS & saying 'hello.' I love the pic you took of yourself from your perspective, lol. There's nothing I can say to take your mortification away ... but it doesn't hurt to wish a case of raging hemorrhoids on anyone crass enough to stare and/or comment :-)

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  7. Morgan (and I while carrying her) were the women you would hate right now! We were, dare I say it, petite. So, in that case, I would just say it was in the genes BUT with Dallas, I was far bigger than you are even now. I was a beached whate of the hunormous size! Hang in there, it is about to be over soon!

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  8. Rita, you look beautiful. I think a woman looks the most beautiful when she's pregnant. Of course I didn't, but I think everyone else does. It will be over soon. I was huge with mine too. It got to the point that my maternity shirts were too small and my gut hung out under my shirt and over my maternity pants. Not a pretty site!

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  9. Rita, you are the most beautiful and perfect pregnant woman. I still don't know how you do it! You look amazing! We are counting down the days with you. Can't wait to meet the newest addition to your small male army!!!

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  10. Screw them. They aren't the one carrying!

    Any day now. Hell, any minute really! *Telepathically sending labor vibes*

    Did it work?

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  11. I'm not able to fit in all booths anymore either. It sucks.

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  12. I am due Sept 14, so also 2 weeks to go. I definitely feel your pain! Going to work this morning, I went to get out of the car and realized my maternity shirt had actually ridden up over my stomach, exposing these lovely high-waisted maternity pants. GROSS!

    Please don't Twitter while pushing. There's only so much I want to know. Thanks!

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  13. I remember the last time we went to our regular Sunday restaurant several weeks before I had my first baby. After eating there every Sundy morning for months, usually in the same booth, we finally had to move to a table cause I didn't fit. Fun stuff. You really don't look bad at all - yes, hugely pregnant, but not fat anywhere else so that's great! hope that baby comes out soon cause I can't wait to see him!

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  14. Oh gosh. Sometimes people can be so rude. I hope you have that baby soon and get some much needed relief! It's amazing how within minutes of the baby popping out how quickly I would feel better!

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  15. this is the problem with people, they don't think before they speak. You are beautiful and soon, you will have a beautiful baby to show for it.

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  16. you look great! i've had the booth problem before, although my waitress was not as nasty just dumb. she couldn't figure why i couldn't fit?? idiot!

    happy birthday and hope baby comes soon xxxx

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  17. How rude!

    I know I was rather large when I was carrying Natalie and once my mother in law joked if I was secretly having twins. I thought she was just joking at the time but maybe that was her way of saying, "Jesus, you've gained a lot of weight with this one!"

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  18. Oh my gosh - NOT a mullet, please! I live in mullet country - it's horrible! NO MULLETS GROWING IN THERE. And listen, remember your postcards? The one w/nakid woman? Well, you're PREGNANT, not fat, and soon you will have a baby and your body back, but those people who make stupid comments will still be a** - um ... stupid.

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  19. HAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAA! Oh man I love you! I had a girl tell me that when I was pregnant! "I know you're only having one but it looks like you're having TWOOOOOOOOOO!" My only joy in not punching her in the shnoz was that she was ENORMOUS when she got pregnant 6 months later. Heeheeehee!!

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  20. Pregnant does NOT equal fat. Ever.

    You are obviously such a sweet person! By my third kid I just took to glaring at people. Sometimes my husband would apologetically say, "Sorry, pregnancy hormones..." trying to make the person feel better, so then I'd glare at him. :-)

    My daughter who broke her arm and is nearly twelve has had two strangers say to her, "Oh, you got a boo-boo." She was ready to kill them. I told her to forget it...just wait until she's pregnant!

    Hang in there! It's almost over!!!! :-)

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  21. What is wrong with people?! That would be one waitress dissatisfied with her tip :)
    Hang in there, at least you have an excuse to have a belly!

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  22. You are so funny. I just had my 5th and people said the stupidest things to me also. But being referred to as "Octomom" flat pissed me off :)

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  23. People can be so rude! Unfortunately, you've inherited that getting-hugely-pregnant gene from me. But at least we always lose the weight and get back to our svelte selves eventually! ;o)

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